Today is not your birthday
As the hour is quite late
I have rather missed the deadline
I'll miss Christmas at this rate!
We know you're growing old now
I hope you aren't put off
Extra naps and nose hair
Won't cause us all to scoff.
I wasn't in town this year
To provide you with meraingues
But in just one week I'll be there
With loads of gifts and things.
I'm sorry to have missed you
Your'e always there for me
But you were in my mind and heart
As you will ever be.
Happy Belated Birthday From Mary
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
A day in a walking coma...
The only thing more tired than me is the beehive hair-do.
I have to be out of the house doing things non-stop for 14 hours today with 4.5 hours of sleep behind me.
I am exhausted...
...But that up-do really has seen better days...
I have to be out of the house doing things non-stop for 14 hours today with 4.5 hours of sleep behind me.
I am exhausted...
...But that up-do really has seen better days...
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
President Elect Barack Obama
Wow! Doesn't it feel great to say that?!
This is a complete 360 from the last post.
I don't think I will live to see another election this meaningful... I'm so proud to have voted for the man who won and for the man that will bring our country into a new and enligtened era!
After the announcement was made I quickly gathered my things and drove to the bar next to my house where I relished in our victory! My friend Rachel bought me a "blue shot" and Lindsay and I went off to Taco Bell (our haven) to celebrate. When we got there 4 employees were crouched around an impromtu entertainment center watching the speech. We settled in for the last half of it or so and I literally almost cried. He is such an eloquent man... a true orator.
Incedentally, everyone at Taco Bell (the 5 employees and us) we're thrilled and Lindsay and I ate at half off. The cashier Cassondra told us that whenever we come to eat and shes there "shes got us". We're hoping that means cheap food ;).
Congratulations to all! No matter who you voted for! Either way, America is headed for success and every citizen will be a part of the journey!
This is a complete 360 from the last post.
I don't think I will live to see another election this meaningful... I'm so proud to have voted for the man who won and for the man that will bring our country into a new and enligtened era!
After the announcement was made I quickly gathered my things and drove to the bar next to my house where I relished in our victory! My friend Rachel bought me a "blue shot" and Lindsay and I went off to Taco Bell (our haven) to celebrate. When we got there 4 employees were crouched around an impromtu entertainment center watching the speech. We settled in for the last half of it or so and I literally almost cried. He is such an eloquent man... a true orator.
Incedentally, everyone at Taco Bell (the 5 employees and us) we're thrilled and Lindsay and I ate at half off. The cashier Cassondra told us that whenever we come to eat and shes there "shes got us". We're hoping that means cheap food ;).
Congratulations to all! No matter who you voted for! Either way, America is headed for success and every citizen will be a part of the journey!
Monday, November 03, 2008
Crap Sundae (... or Mondae)
(NOTE: I wrote most of this yesterday then finished it this morning. I tried to change all the "todays" to "yesterdays" but forgive me if I wasn't perfect.)
Yesterday was one of those days... 3 big things and tons of little annoyances that have left me sitting in the dark living room of my dirty apartment writing a pity blog while Sarah finishes a paper due tomorrow that she has had the assignment for for 2 weeks.
God bless her... procrastination runs deep in our veins... Nothing like an all nighter to draw the words out of you. Over my shoulder she says "thank the Lord she has an amazing sister who can write..." I guess thats my cue to help.
Those little things were nothing, but the state of utter mental distress I've been in has pushed them over the edge. Its like if you went to an indoor pool at 10am to swim and at 10:30 someone started pushing your head under. Every time you were able to pop up for a breath he would say something demoralizing that you just had to take in stride because you had to save your breath. At 9:00pm when you finally leave the pool, you're fuming mad and totally humiliated and it starts to rain... as if you hadn't had enough water on your face today... RAIN?! Really?! Thats all I'm saying...
The three big things:
1. Has to do with a felony committed right under my nose but to protect the innocent I cannot say more. Really it wasn't that big of a deal but its irritating, scary, and (frankly) was just the cherry on top of my Crap Sundae.
2. Fight over religion in my religion class.
3. "Political conversation" while painting a child's face at Fazoli's.
My blood is literally boiling. Check me out... I'm on fire. I started my day off with an intrusive vaginal exam but that didn't even make my list... what does that tell you?! I realize that vaginal is a "secret" word that turns your tounge into soilified sin, but I really don't care anymore what anyone has to say but me. I've held it in all damn day so put on your rain coat, its comin' at you.
Anyway, I should start by telling you what I did last Wednesday. I was given 45 minutes in which to present to my collegiate level Religion class about a topic of my choosing. I was personally unaware that "of my choosing" actually meant, "be sure to praise Christianity and don't you dare question any beliefs that the students in this class hold true". I thought it meant, "this is a college level class, we are all open minded acedemics who want to learn and push our boundaries". I was wrong. The class is called Religious Violence and Nonviolence. I knew people would present on the Reformation and on why we shouldn't hate all Muslims because of September 11th. (Frankly, I saw that presentation about 5 times while I was in highschool, I thought we had moved on from the Muslims... there are other religions...) Anyway, I decided to really explore something different... question my beliefs and the beliefs of others, allow us to step back and analyze a situation we took for granted by re-assessing the facts. Why is it that we attack and defend so many cultures and creeds and ignore the most obvious, our own! I went out on a limb and presented on the behalf of the Ku Klux Klan, the Aryan Nations, and the Army of God. These are organizations often thought of as terrorist organizations, but I presented the facts I found about them and encouraged the class to lay aside generalizations and entertain the idea that some members of these groups really aren't so bad. This is not to say that I agree with their ideals, but When Muslims blow up the Twin Towers most of us are intellegent enough to say, "Oh yeah, but that doesn't reflect the majority of Muslims, those people are just crazy!" Why then, can't these same people say, "Those KKK members who terrorize blacks may not represent the majority of KKK members, those are just the crazies! Every group has them!"
For the record, I realize that this isn't coming off as intellegent writing... its just rambling-rushed garbage...
Anyway, my point was lost on my close minded classmates though my teacher pulled me aside after class to tell me that my topic was brave, well approached and cleverly presented... he called me a "true acedemic". One particular student of mixed race and Christian faith was particularly perturbed by my speech. I was nervous today when I caught his eye before class but was quickly reassured when I remembered that I was wearing my Obama '08 button today and that he was an avid fan. This tiny pin was my only hope at winning his affection. Unfortunately, todays presentation was made by a VERY conservative Christian who was bashing an Atheist woman. Allow me to reach my point. The presenter was upset that this woman started a lawsuit over the bible being taught and prayer being mandatory in the public school system. She asked for the opinion of the other students in the class. I raised my hand (knowing full well that all but 2 kids in the class hate my guts now...), " I think prayer should be, and is, allowed in public school systems but should absolutely not be required! Requiring prayer and teaching Bible study is blatently unconstitutional, just read the first amendment!" She retorted that she thought the lady took it too far. I said, "She had every right to defend the beliefs of her son. If he isn't Christian he shouldn't have to pray to a Christian God. Also, If bible study is required then study of ALL religious texts should be required." She, along with many other classmates, argued that if their children had been in that school they would have been infuriated. She can exempt her son, but no reason to ruin it for the rest of them! I gave up. One man asked, "I wonder what this lady had to do with instances such as Columbine?" I gasped, my eyes darted at the teacher and he asked "why?". The man said, "Maybe if prayer had been allowed in school the students would have been nicer and better people." I was aghast. Was he really blaming Columbine on an woman who heroically stood up for what was right against a Christian nation? Granted, the lady went a little nuts... but this was ridiculous! I started to argue my point again but quickly stopped. What is the point?! How can any person read the first amendment and know the vast cultural and religious differences existing in America and still believe that the Bible should be REQUIRED in public schooling?! Am I totally off base here?! Why is it that so many uber-conservative Christians are so insistant that their way is the only way and that their beliefs should just be taken as fact, period. Surely they would raise hell if prayer in school picked back up favoring Allah or Buddha...
I called my mom and cried. How will I ever make a difference in this world when everyone is so intent on refusing new information and when they close off their minds with a lock and key?
This leads me to the second biggie today...
The first monday of every month is Kid's Night over at Fazolis and the mascot Tony Tomato is there along with tons of crafts and face painting! Lindsay offers to play the giant tomato every month. Since he will be there anyway I go to volunteer face painting and playing with the kids. Its basically amazing... Anyway, remember my little saving grace of an Obama pin earlier in the day?... Here it comes to bite me in the ass. Some total redneck comes over to pick up his daughter who is 10 with greasy hair and winnie the pooh clothes that don't fit on. He shows us his big cigarrette hack then looks at me and says, "Who do you think is going to win tomorrow?" DAMN! damndamndamndamn! Sarah was with me (picking my brain for the same paper mentioned above ;) ) and she responded, "Obama obviously!" He said "No! Not who you want, who you think will actually get it." I was representing Fazolis even though I'm not on their payroll so I tried to be respectful, "Honestly, In this case I think they are one in the same." This evolved into him talking politics at me- AT me- for at least a half hour. Anyone in the restaurant could attest that I was very polite until he said he was scared of Obama. A simple "why?" was my return. He said, "because he's a socialist!" His 10 year old asked, "Who is a socialist Daddy?" I snapped, "Noone is! Don't listen to him! Thats not fair. I won't get into it here, but thats unfounded and untrue!" Lindsay, who was back in the kitchen at this point, caught wind of all of this and sent one of his employees to ask for me. I relished in the break then went back to get to cleaning up the station, claiming that the manager asked me to wrap things up. He went on and on about the rich needing to pay even less taxes and about how he is middle of the road and Obama is way too far to the left for him. He told me that his Daddy was a Democrat, and that I should trust his opinion because his father once voted the same way I do now. My response? "I don't vote for my dad and grandparents, I vote for me." He got really heated at one point about the fact that Obama won't show his birth certificate. I asked if he really believed that Obama wasn't American. "His old black granny said she was there the day he was born in Kenya!" I held my breath, counted to 5 and spoke, "His grandmother just passed away so speak respectfully. I'm sure they would have caught it at this point if he wasn't an American." I told people later that it isn't as if the government said "Hey Obama, you're American right?" and he said, "Yeah! I'll even pinky promise!" I'm postive they checked and if he wasn't American the McCain campaign would have used it a little more to their advantage. In the end he was telling Sarah how Joe Biden was the Democratic "fail-safe" if something happened to Obama. This scared the hell out of him. I got in my last comment by saying, "For a guy that is middle of the road like you are you ought to be glad to have Biden as a 'fail-safe' rather than Palin. Biden is as middle of the road as it gets in the democratic party and I'd challenge you to find anyone more one sided than Sarah Palin." He didn't deny it but hinted that he'd rather have a far right republican than a even keeled democrat. Anyway... as he left he got really close, looked me in the eye and said, "Tomorrow if Obama wins, congratulations. If not... tough." I shivered and when his car drove off I lost it.
I realize that I suck with organizing dialogue but that wasn't the point. The point was to get it all out.
I spent my day allowing people to shove their ideas in my face without me being able to defend myself and my ideas in good conscience.
I know this is just a rant. I realize that noone probably cares. Its just my pathetic plea for people to open their minds and never stop searching for facts. Don't believe everything you hear- only trust credible sources. Hell, never trust any source. Don't ever marry any idea- allow yourself to be proved wrong.
In the end I know the truth about the first amendment and about how Atheists deserve to exist peacefully just like the rest of us. I also know that Obama is probably going to win the election tonight. I realize that isn't everyones first choice but I hope that they will be respectful if it happens. I've waited 8 years for something, ANYTHING, to go my way politically. We really need this. Of course this is my opinion but if McCain makes it and does a great job, I'll be happy with that too. I'm not going to pitch a fit. However, for now I'm really desperate to have Barack in office. Time will tell... It is only hours away!
Yesterday was one of those days... 3 big things and tons of little annoyances that have left me sitting in the dark living room of my dirty apartment writing a pity blog while Sarah finishes a paper due tomorrow that she has had the assignment for for 2 weeks.
God bless her... procrastination runs deep in our veins... Nothing like an all nighter to draw the words out of you. Over my shoulder she says "thank the Lord she has an amazing sister who can write..." I guess thats my cue to help.
Those little things were nothing, but the state of utter mental distress I've been in has pushed them over the edge. Its like if you went to an indoor pool at 10am to swim and at 10:30 someone started pushing your head under. Every time you were able to pop up for a breath he would say something demoralizing that you just had to take in stride because you had to save your breath. At 9:00pm when you finally leave the pool, you're fuming mad and totally humiliated and it starts to rain... as if you hadn't had enough water on your face today... RAIN?! Really?! Thats all I'm saying...
The three big things:
1. Has to do with a felony committed right under my nose but to protect the innocent I cannot say more. Really it wasn't that big of a deal but its irritating, scary, and (frankly) was just the cherry on top of my Crap Sundae.
2. Fight over religion in my religion class.
3. "Political conversation" while painting a child's face at Fazoli's.
My blood is literally boiling. Check me out... I'm on fire. I started my day off with an intrusive vaginal exam but that didn't even make my list... what does that tell you?! I realize that vaginal is a "secret" word that turns your tounge into soilified sin, but I really don't care anymore what anyone has to say but me. I've held it in all damn day so put on your rain coat, its comin' at you.
Anyway, I should start by telling you what I did last Wednesday. I was given 45 minutes in which to present to my collegiate level Religion class about a topic of my choosing. I was personally unaware that "of my choosing" actually meant, "be sure to praise Christianity and don't you dare question any beliefs that the students in this class hold true". I thought it meant, "this is a college level class, we are all open minded acedemics who want to learn and push our boundaries". I was wrong. The class is called Religious Violence and Nonviolence. I knew people would present on the Reformation and on why we shouldn't hate all Muslims because of September 11th. (Frankly, I saw that presentation about 5 times while I was in highschool, I thought we had moved on from the Muslims... there are other religions...) Anyway, I decided to really explore something different... question my beliefs and the beliefs of others, allow us to step back and analyze a situation we took for granted by re-assessing the facts. Why is it that we attack and defend so many cultures and creeds and ignore the most obvious, our own! I went out on a limb and presented on the behalf of the Ku Klux Klan, the Aryan Nations, and the Army of God. These are organizations often thought of as terrorist organizations, but I presented the facts I found about them and encouraged the class to lay aside generalizations and entertain the idea that some members of these groups really aren't so bad. This is not to say that I agree with their ideals, but When Muslims blow up the Twin Towers most of us are intellegent enough to say, "Oh yeah, but that doesn't reflect the majority of Muslims, those people are just crazy!" Why then, can't these same people say, "Those KKK members who terrorize blacks may not represent the majority of KKK members, those are just the crazies! Every group has them!"
For the record, I realize that this isn't coming off as intellegent writing... its just rambling-rushed garbage...
Anyway, my point was lost on my close minded classmates though my teacher pulled me aside after class to tell me that my topic was brave, well approached and cleverly presented... he called me a "true acedemic". One particular student of mixed race and Christian faith was particularly perturbed by my speech. I was nervous today when I caught his eye before class but was quickly reassured when I remembered that I was wearing my Obama '08 button today and that he was an avid fan. This tiny pin was my only hope at winning his affection. Unfortunately, todays presentation was made by a VERY conservative Christian who was bashing an Atheist woman. Allow me to reach my point. The presenter was upset that this woman started a lawsuit over the bible being taught and prayer being mandatory in the public school system. She asked for the opinion of the other students in the class. I raised my hand (knowing full well that all but 2 kids in the class hate my guts now...), " I think prayer should be, and is, allowed in public school systems but should absolutely not be required! Requiring prayer and teaching Bible study is blatently unconstitutional, just read the first amendment!" She retorted that she thought the lady took it too far. I said, "She had every right to defend the beliefs of her son. If he isn't Christian he shouldn't have to pray to a Christian God. Also, If bible study is required then study of ALL religious texts should be required." She, along with many other classmates, argued that if their children had been in that school they would have been infuriated. She can exempt her son, but no reason to ruin it for the rest of them! I gave up. One man asked, "I wonder what this lady had to do with instances such as Columbine?" I gasped, my eyes darted at the teacher and he asked "why?". The man said, "Maybe if prayer had been allowed in school the students would have been nicer and better people." I was aghast. Was he really blaming Columbine on an woman who heroically stood up for what was right against a Christian nation? Granted, the lady went a little nuts... but this was ridiculous! I started to argue my point again but quickly stopped. What is the point?! How can any person read the first amendment and know the vast cultural and religious differences existing in America and still believe that the Bible should be REQUIRED in public schooling?! Am I totally off base here?! Why is it that so many uber-conservative Christians are so insistant that their way is the only way and that their beliefs should just be taken as fact, period. Surely they would raise hell if prayer in school picked back up favoring Allah or Buddha...
I called my mom and cried. How will I ever make a difference in this world when everyone is so intent on refusing new information and when they close off their minds with a lock and key?
This leads me to the second biggie today...
The first monday of every month is Kid's Night over at Fazolis and the mascot Tony Tomato is there along with tons of crafts and face painting! Lindsay offers to play the giant tomato every month. Since he will be there anyway I go to volunteer face painting and playing with the kids. Its basically amazing... Anyway, remember my little saving grace of an Obama pin earlier in the day?... Here it comes to bite me in the ass. Some total redneck comes over to pick up his daughter who is 10 with greasy hair and winnie the pooh clothes that don't fit on. He shows us his big cigarrette hack then looks at me and says, "Who do you think is going to win tomorrow?" DAMN! damndamndamndamn! Sarah was with me (picking my brain for the same paper mentioned above ;) ) and she responded, "Obama obviously!" He said "No! Not who you want, who you think will actually get it." I was representing Fazolis even though I'm not on their payroll so I tried to be respectful, "Honestly, In this case I think they are one in the same." This evolved into him talking politics at me- AT me- for at least a half hour. Anyone in the restaurant could attest that I was very polite until he said he was scared of Obama. A simple "why?" was my return. He said, "because he's a socialist!" His 10 year old asked, "Who is a socialist Daddy?" I snapped, "Noone is! Don't listen to him! Thats not fair. I won't get into it here, but thats unfounded and untrue!" Lindsay, who was back in the kitchen at this point, caught wind of all of this and sent one of his employees to ask for me. I relished in the break then went back to get to cleaning up the station, claiming that the manager asked me to wrap things up. He went on and on about the rich needing to pay even less taxes and about how he is middle of the road and Obama is way too far to the left for him. He told me that his Daddy was a Democrat, and that I should trust his opinion because his father once voted the same way I do now. My response? "I don't vote for my dad and grandparents, I vote for me." He got really heated at one point about the fact that Obama won't show his birth certificate. I asked if he really believed that Obama wasn't American. "His old black granny said she was there the day he was born in Kenya!" I held my breath, counted to 5 and spoke, "His grandmother just passed away so speak respectfully. I'm sure they would have caught it at this point if he wasn't an American." I told people later that it isn't as if the government said "Hey Obama, you're American right?" and he said, "Yeah! I'll even pinky promise!" I'm postive they checked and if he wasn't American the McCain campaign would have used it a little more to their advantage. In the end he was telling Sarah how Joe Biden was the Democratic "fail-safe" if something happened to Obama. This scared the hell out of him. I got in my last comment by saying, "For a guy that is middle of the road like you are you ought to be glad to have Biden as a 'fail-safe' rather than Palin. Biden is as middle of the road as it gets in the democratic party and I'd challenge you to find anyone more one sided than Sarah Palin." He didn't deny it but hinted that he'd rather have a far right republican than a even keeled democrat. Anyway... as he left he got really close, looked me in the eye and said, "Tomorrow if Obama wins, congratulations. If not... tough." I shivered and when his car drove off I lost it.
I realize that I suck with organizing dialogue but that wasn't the point. The point was to get it all out.
I spent my day allowing people to shove their ideas in my face without me being able to defend myself and my ideas in good conscience.
I know this is just a rant. I realize that noone probably cares. Its just my pathetic plea for people to open their minds and never stop searching for facts. Don't believe everything you hear- only trust credible sources. Hell, never trust any source. Don't ever marry any idea- allow yourself to be proved wrong.
In the end I know the truth about the first amendment and about how Atheists deserve to exist peacefully just like the rest of us. I also know that Obama is probably going to win the election tonight. I realize that isn't everyones first choice but I hope that they will be respectful if it happens. I've waited 8 years for something, ANYTHING, to go my way politically. We really need this. Of course this is my opinion but if McCain makes it and does a great job, I'll be happy with that too. I'm not going to pitch a fit. However, for now I'm really desperate to have Barack in office. Time will tell... It is only hours away!
Sunday, November 02, 2008
I wish I had time for a proper post...
Unfortunately, I'm off to work a job where I get paid too little, work too hard, and get too few hours...
But on Pretzel Day? Well, I like Pretzel Day... (Name that reference)
I've decided to write my own Christmas letter this year... just like Mofe always does and just like my mom used to do before things got too hard. We aren't like other families... we like to think that a short written card with a family photo isn't going to satisfy the hunger of people we haven't seen in 20 years for details on our fascinating family. I follow in that tradition. They have to earn my Christmas greetings...
Off to Michaels, the arts and crafts utopia... (and hideaway for 60+ aged women who smoke 2 packs a day and have been dumped by their husbands less than 5 years ago with only a "vintage car", a bible, and some dusty silk flowers.)
Unfortunately, I'm off to work a job where I get paid too little, work too hard, and get too few hours...
But on Pretzel Day? Well, I like Pretzel Day... (Name that reference)
I've decided to write my own Christmas letter this year... just like Mofe always does and just like my mom used to do before things got too hard. We aren't like other families... we like to think that a short written card with a family photo isn't going to satisfy the hunger of people we haven't seen in 20 years for details on our fascinating family. I follow in that tradition. They have to earn my Christmas greetings...
Off to Michaels, the arts and crafts utopia... (and hideaway for 60+ aged women who smoke 2 packs a day and have been dumped by their husbands less than 5 years ago with only a "vintage car", a bible, and some dusty silk flowers.)
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Its the holiday season!
That picture is what I bought at Michaels yesterday for $86 dollars! 50% off for all associates last week! There are a few christmas presents mixed in there but mostly for Hanne and Emily... so just don't look too close! ;)
Guess what tomorrow is!!!
Pretty little windows... these are the mega tacky part... ;)
YES! and i'll be at work but to represent me while all the children walk around will be my pretty little Halloween house... I've been shopping at Michaels a lot lately because the 25% off associate discount kind of rocks! So for 5 bucks the other day I got some last minute goofy and semi-tacky decorations to raise the morale in the little F-2 household we've got going here...
Pretty little windows... these are the mega tacky part... ;)
Here's the door... the little purple garlands are bats and the sign is made of metal and COVERED in black glitter... The extra garland wouldn't tack around the window so i just threw it up there...
VOILA!
So, there is our beautiful halloween house... and our sad dead bush in the front... if I stay here longer i'll invest in some cheap plants to put over there...
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
One year ago...
Today marks one year from the day that changed my life.
One year ago I had never experienced an extended stay in an "asylum".
One year ago I had never attempted the "S" word.
One year ago I didn't know how much I liked to write.
One year ago today, I never thought I'd be happy again.
One year ago I didn't own any meditation Cd's.
One year ago I didn't take handfuls of meds twice a day.
One year ago I didn't know how to play shuffleboard.
One year ago I was a totally different person.
October 23rd will forever go down in history as the day that I became a Phoenix. I cried so hard that my cell phone shorted out and I drove home unable to focus on the road through the tears welling in my eyes. I thought I would never be whole again... and that everything I thought I had was gone forever.
I was right... theatre, a boyfriend, multiple complexes I didn't even know I had... they are all going away. I've replaced them with a more fulfilling life! I've learned to write and appreciate religion in a cultural and spiritual way... theatre is fun but its no way to make a life for myself... I never would have learned that before. I've mostly solved the destructive complexes I had though OCD (or CDO -in alphabetical order) still runs rampant through my veins. ;)
Last Halloween I was in a hospital playing cards with a bunch of crazy people (my people... we are a league all our own) with eyeliner smeared around my eye so I would look like a black eyed pea with my loony roommate. We were learning to appreciate life again and took the time to put on some fun makeup (even though the nurses had to supervise). Sometimes I find myself missing the hospital. It was safe, I knew my schedule and that I couldn't be hurt while I was there. Only people I wanted to talk to could reach me... It was my cocoon (like my durna at home). I'm breaking out now... I still "cocoon" as my mom calls it... but only when I'm sick or desperately need to... it isn't for hours a day every day of the week anymore... I'm healing.
In a way I want to thank Robert for breaking up with me over the phone on our 2 year anniversary while I was wearing his promise ring. Now I know I can overcome pretty much anything... but I won't need to again... I've found myself... all in one year.
One year ago I had never experienced an extended stay in an "asylum".
One year ago I had never attempted the "S" word.
One year ago I didn't know how much I liked to write.
One year ago today, I never thought I'd be happy again.
One year ago I didn't own any meditation Cd's.
One year ago I didn't take handfuls of meds twice a day.
One year ago I didn't know how to play shuffleboard.
One year ago I was a totally different person.
October 23rd will forever go down in history as the day that I became a Phoenix. I cried so hard that my cell phone shorted out and I drove home unable to focus on the road through the tears welling in my eyes. I thought I would never be whole again... and that everything I thought I had was gone forever.
I was right... theatre, a boyfriend, multiple complexes I didn't even know I had... they are all going away. I've replaced them with a more fulfilling life! I've learned to write and appreciate religion in a cultural and spiritual way... theatre is fun but its no way to make a life for myself... I never would have learned that before. I've mostly solved the destructive complexes I had though OCD (or CDO -in alphabetical order) still runs rampant through my veins. ;)
Last Halloween I was in a hospital playing cards with a bunch of crazy people (my people... we are a league all our own) with eyeliner smeared around my eye so I would look like a black eyed pea with my loony roommate. We were learning to appreciate life again and took the time to put on some fun makeup (even though the nurses had to supervise). Sometimes I find myself missing the hospital. It was safe, I knew my schedule and that I couldn't be hurt while I was there. Only people I wanted to talk to could reach me... It was my cocoon (like my durna at home). I'm breaking out now... I still "cocoon" as my mom calls it... but only when I'm sick or desperately need to... it isn't for hours a day every day of the week anymore... I'm healing.
In a way I want to thank Robert for breaking up with me over the phone on our 2 year anniversary while I was wearing his promise ring. Now I know I can overcome pretty much anything... but I won't need to again... I've found myself... all in one year.
;)
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Japan '09!
Ladies and Gentlemen: Your attention please!
I've thought long and hard about how to address this "note" that I am sending into circulation with such high hopes. I've decided that I'm not going to over formalize and I'll just tell you like it is... in somewhat brief terms.
I'm looking for money, or money making ideas that I have the time or recources to actualize. The INCREDIBLY worthy reason is as follows:
I am currently pursuing a General Studies major. In case you are unfamiliar with the major's requirements, I will briefly explain. In addition to some core major requirements, each major is allowed to choose three areas of emphasis. The first requires 18 credit hours of upper level courses, the second requires 15, and the last, 12. I want to have a career that allows me to move between writing freelance fiction and writing from a journalistic standpoint. I want my work to inform people, in a relatable way, about issues that concern me, including diversity in religion and tolerance of culture and race. My primary area of emphasis is Creative Writing and Journalism. This is followed by Religious Studies and Anthropology.
I recently (only yesterday) finished a paper for my GENS 2000 class outlining my I chose these areas of interest. Creative Writing was to be able to captivate an audience in my style and write effectively. The other two were to build the ground work for beginning a life long search of information on both religion and culture. (What a statement! What is culture without the existence of these many religions?... but they are very different it just amazes me how they interweave.) I wrote that I felt the majority of my knowledge in my secondary fields would come from field work and immersing myself in the culture and experiencing it firsthand.
Well, my "Religious Violence and Nonviolence" is going on a trip for 5 weeks in the summer to Japan with the Religous and Philosophical Studies department. There is room for 15 students to go along because the teachers feel that it is imperative that we live in homes with Japanese families rather than in dorms with more of our own, and only 15 families have signed up. Two classes will be offered on the trip Japanese language (1, 2 ,or 3) and Japanese Religous Ideology! Need I say more, no. However, I can't help myself! In this class we would spend the majority (at least 70%) of the time in field study, out of the classroom. Traveling to visit monks and to Hiroshima discussing Violence in religion and terrorism as its lovechild with textual literalism (among other things). We will delve into Shinto, Buddhism, and Taoism as primary religions... how wonderful!
When I told my mom about this she was thrilled! All universities have programs like this but how often are they so perfectly suited to you that it would be a sin not to try going?! She told me that I should raise what money I could and we would have to get a loan for the rest. I am going to post this on my blog as well... I'll offer any service at all that I can... I write, paint, sing, make jewelry... and I can learn to do anything else. You can even pledge to pay me one dime for every mile I walk around campus. I'll buy a pedometer. I'm really looking forward to this trip... PLEASE help me out! I'll blog everyday that I'm there, it WILL NOT fail to be interesting, I can promise that!
I've have had an argument going on in the back of my head while writing about whether or not to inculde the total goal amount and I decided it shouldn't matter. If it does matter to you, email me... I'm happy to share. I will keep you posted on the %age of the goal that I've accumulated!
I love you all!
Mary
maryconklin.blogspot.com
mfosheec@hotmail.com
678-877-5143
I've thought long and hard about how to address this "note" that I am sending into circulation with such high hopes. I've decided that I'm not going to over formalize and I'll just tell you like it is... in somewhat brief terms.
I'm looking for money, or money making ideas that I have the time or recources to actualize. The INCREDIBLY worthy reason is as follows:
I am currently pursuing a General Studies major. In case you are unfamiliar with the major's requirements, I will briefly explain. In addition to some core major requirements, each major is allowed to choose three areas of emphasis. The first requires 18 credit hours of upper level courses, the second requires 15, and the last, 12. I want to have a career that allows me to move between writing freelance fiction and writing from a journalistic standpoint. I want my work to inform people, in a relatable way, about issues that concern me, including diversity in religion and tolerance of culture and race. My primary area of emphasis is Creative Writing and Journalism. This is followed by Religious Studies and Anthropology.
I recently (only yesterday) finished a paper for my GENS 2000 class outlining my I chose these areas of interest. Creative Writing was to be able to captivate an audience in my style and write effectively. The other two were to build the ground work for beginning a life long search of information on both religion and culture. (What a statement! What is culture without the existence of these many religions?... but they are very different it just amazes me how they interweave.) I wrote that I felt the majority of my knowledge in my secondary fields would come from field work and immersing myself in the culture and experiencing it firsthand.
Well, my "Religious Violence and Nonviolence" is going on a trip for 5 weeks in the summer to Japan with the Religous and Philosophical Studies department. There is room for 15 students to go along because the teachers feel that it is imperative that we live in homes with Japanese families rather than in dorms with more of our own, and only 15 families have signed up. Two classes will be offered on the trip Japanese language (1, 2 ,or 3) and Japanese Religous Ideology! Need I say more, no. However, I can't help myself! In this class we would spend the majority (at least 70%) of the time in field study, out of the classroom. Traveling to visit monks and to Hiroshima discussing Violence in religion and terrorism as its lovechild with textual literalism (among other things). We will delve into Shinto, Buddhism, and Taoism as primary religions... how wonderful!
When I told my mom about this she was thrilled! All universities have programs like this but how often are they so perfectly suited to you that it would be a sin not to try going?! She told me that I should raise what money I could and we would have to get a loan for the rest. I am going to post this on my blog as well... I'll offer any service at all that I can... I write, paint, sing, make jewelry... and I can learn to do anything else. You can even pledge to pay me one dime for every mile I walk around campus. I'll buy a pedometer. I'm really looking forward to this trip... PLEASE help me out! I'll blog everyday that I'm there, it WILL NOT fail to be interesting, I can promise that!
I've have had an argument going on in the back of my head while writing about whether or not to inculde the total goal amount and I decided it shouldn't matter. If it does matter to you, email me... I'm happy to share. I will keep you posted on the %age of the goal that I've accumulated!
I love you all!
Mary
maryconklin.blogspot.com
mfosheec@hotmail.com
678-877-5143
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Religious Violence and Non Violence
The following is a paper I am turning in today in my religion class. I feel pretty strongly about many of the issues and therefore (acedemically speaking) probably strayed a bit from the syllabus but always came back. The paper is a little longer than he asked for (8 double spaced pages) but I hope anyone who choses to read it will find it interesting. It deals mostly with my opinion and I reference the class texts (which are novels, not traditional texts) but I kept the blog in mind when writing the paper and made all references to the text perfectly comprehensible by readers unfamiliar with the material. PLEASE find the time to read this and feel free to question, praise, or argue! (I love questions the best... I am a child of Socrates himself ;) ) Even you christians please give me a fair chance! I do not attack God (I believe in Him too!) I do not attack religion- I only give my view of why and how religion has become corrupt in come cases (i.e. Ku Klux Klan) and how the problems may be solved, etc. Innocent until proven guilty... do read... I want people to argue or point things out so that I will learn and have a broadened view!
Mary Conklin
Religion 3210
Dr. M Stoltzfus
10/8/08
Primarily I believe that religion itself is the cause of most religiously based violence. There is a definite difference between spirituality and religion. Spirituality describes the relationship one possesses with their God and how that relationship affects their day to day lives and their interactions with others. Religion is an organization separating spiritual people into sects by how their God is characterized and how they believe He (or She) should be worshiped and paid homage to. The separation of these people is what creates animosity. If it weren't for darkness, light would have no name. All things would not exist without their opposite. If people were allowed to believe what they chose and divisions were not organized then perhaps everyone could just accept that everyone has their own interpretation of spirituality and we could embrace this common identity.
Also, religious persons often use their religious texts to justify terrorist like attacks. Often scriptures are taken too literally or out of context. In the case of the Bible specifically many people choose to follow it to the letter, forgetting that the word of God as presented in the scripture is written by mortal man in the years during and surrounding Christ's life. This was quite some time ago and the will of God for his people surely has changed in these hundreds (even thousands) of years. I do not claim to have all the answers, and when it comes to religion no one can. Therefore, I do not know how to propose a solution to this problem. Perhaps better education on the sacred texts to its followers is in order. Unfortunately, anyone can decide that they are qualified to teach the text and they, themselves may have a corrupted view.
The idea of elitism and the words “God is on our side!” play a considerable role in justification of war. Because of research in the past I do not believe that Hitler began his anti-semetic rampage due to religious beliefs. It was an economical and racial discrepancy that fueled his anger. However, when forces entered Germany to fight against the Nazi party suddenly God was taking sides. No one can claim God, He will take the side of the man who does His will. It is being very egocentric to believe that you undeniably have God's approval. To assume God's stance with any amount of scriptural evidence is vain and wrong.
Lastly, I want to address those religions, or rather sub-sections of religions, which promote or demand conversion of individuals not sharing their beliefs. In my first example of how religion can be used to cause violence in people I mentioned that without compartmentalizing people into religious “clubs” we could enjoy a commonness and unity. Even if it were possible to all enjoy our beliefs and the fellowship the organized Church, Mosque, Synagogue, etc. provided us with this new idea would tear it apart. At its core the conversion promotes a theme of intolerance. It says that “another religion or set of ideas is below our own and we owe it to God to make these people change, it is His will!” Everyone believes that their ideals are right, but no religious person can claim that they are sure. Religion prides itself on faith. One is expected to believe in their God, etc. without concrete evidence. Faith may even be described as the opposite of skepticism or doubt. One's faith makes an idea true for that individual but not for all people. Converting people revisits my previous argument of elitism. Anyone who believes that their faith is above that of another’s causes argument which leads to violence.
Kimball writes “It is somewhat trite, but nevertheless sadly true, to say that more wars have been waged, more people killed, and these days more evil perpetrated in the name of religion than by any other institutional force in human history." Personally, I believe this statement is true, but not whole heartedly. One particular argument raised on www.hds.harvard.edu is that Kimball never gives his reading audience any examples of these times when wars have been waged “in the name of religion.” They argue that perhaps Kimball has an opposing view of what religion might be defined as. I feel that religion does possess a strong definition. A set of beliefs setting a moral code for a group of people while giving reason to the universe may be a weak definition but I feel that it embodies what religion is. On this website the writers argue that until more modern times, religion and politics were fused. If this is the case, then how could a country, for instance, go to war for political reasons without making religion a part of its causes? My argument is this, since religion did govern many different bodies of people in the past, the people choosing to go to war were taking their religious beliefs into account in their decision. They must have if the church and state were bound. The major world religions all promote nonviolence. Of course, even this can be argued. However, in the case of September 11th, an admittedly modern example, the war started as a political struggle to keep our nation safe from terrorist attacks. Over the seven years since the attack many Americans have switched from fighting the “terrorists” to fighting the “Muslims”. Though America is the melting pot of many races and creeds virtually all of the religions represented in America support a nonviolent approach. The Bible even states plainly that “Thou shalt not kill.” Those that desert their beliefs in support of the war and still claim that we are doing God's work in Iraq are bringing religion into the war and are also misrepresenting their religion. Sarah Palin, the Republican Vice Presidential candidate for the 2008 election says the following on a www.youtube.com video: “Our national leaders are sending [our troops] out on a task that is from God.” This proves that even political wars can be strewn into religiously backed violence and warfare.
An example provided in the writing of Juergensmeyer is less certain. He references the political elections between Shimon Peres and Benjamin Netanyahu after the assassination of Yitzhak Rabin. According to Juergensmeyer Peres held a 20 percent lead in the polls until a sequence of suicide attacks on Jerusalem buses. Following these events Netanyahu took an edge in the race and claimed that he owed his victory to the Hamas terrorists who instigated the attacks. Upon investigation by both reporters and the author himself, it was discovered that the terrorists didn't care about the Israeli government's affairs and that “Maybe God wanted it.” It is fair to argue here that the attacks may not have been politically based but the Hamas that were interviewed were also very vague in their justifications, either political or religious, for their acts. Perhaps they are not fully disclosing their motives.
Juergensmeyer provides another interesting argument in his text. “The Gita gave several reasons why killing in warfare is permissible, among them the argument that the soul can never really be killed: 'he who slays, slays not; he who is slain is not slain.'” In the Gita this phrase is referring to the death of a soul. In other words, the soul will live on forever. This explains the second half of the quote. The second half is more difficult to understand. My interpretation is this; if someone “slain” can never be killed then how can anyone be called a killer? No one ever dies there the mortal act of killing means nothing to the soul. The body is simply a vessel. Unfortunately, I have to admit that I get a mixed reaction from this analyzation. I can understand the justification some Hindus may have for killing. They feel that by the words in the Gita only the body is dying, but the soul lives on. To me the act still counts as an act of violence as they are taking the earthly life from another and therefore deciding that person's earthly fate without the influence of the divine. Juergensmeyer comments again on Hindu tradition, “Another reason [that killing in warfare is permissible] is based on dharma (moral obligation): the duties of a member of the ksatriya (warrior) caste by definition involve killing, so violence is justified in the very maintenance of social order.” In response to this comment I take the side of famous nonviolent warriors such as Gandhi. Just as in Christianity, perhaps the ksatriya caste was meant to fight the battle of moral justice and evil. Perhaps the battle fought in the Gita is symbolizing a greater good to be fought in the heart and mind of good Hindus.
To conclude the previous three paragraphs I would like to say that I cannot come to a general decision on the case studies made by Kimball and Juergensmeyer. I do not believe that it is ever fair to make a generalization especially in topics as sensitive as religion. Each case must be studied and analyzed on its own. Every person living on earth has a different set of personal ethics, morals, and motives. Terrorists may commit these acts for a number of reasons while the rest of the world looks on twisting the events to fit their own prophesy for the world. I do believe that, a majority of the time, tension begins politically and is almost always strewn into a theological debate. Of course, there is always an exception to the rule.
Despite the previous small attack on religious violence, I do believe that religion can be, and is, used for good. I believe that religion has provided us with the moral codes and ethical standards by which we all live. All people who are considered good, sound individuals follow most of the Ten Commandments and the Golden Rule. The Golden Rule along with many of the commandments appear in the majority of world religions in their own way. These “laws” have become so engrained in society that they are considered common decency and I truly believe that religion can claim responsibility for this. However, I feel that it would be remiss not to mention that I used the terms “Golden Rule” and “Ten Commandments” only because Christianity is so widely recognized in America. All major world religions gave to the code of ethics by which we all live. None is superior in any way to another. In a perfect world all world religions would revisit their individual doctrine and recognize the original ideas set forth in the text. Most people would find that to kill is severely against their religion and that if they were to be loyal followers, they would cease to inflict harm on their fellow man. However, the world is not perfect and I feel that violence can only be stopped by educating people slowly. Showing people the importance of avoiding adopting an elitist attitude and following the laws set forth by their God would be a positive start. Teaching people to understand the symbolism in religious text is important as well, because those who take religious texts literally can gravely misinterpret God's word and may go against His will.
I was convinced by Kurlansky's argument that nonviolence is more effective from a political and religious standpoint than violence. Of his twenty-five lessons, nine struck me as very true and incredibly defensible. This is not to say that the others proved untrue in my mind. Of these nine I will discuss five that I feel are most significant.
First, I will discuss the very first lesson. It states that “there is no provocative word for nonviolence.” Kurlansky discusses the fact that no language possesses a word for nonviolence. He makes an example of Sanskrit in which hisma translates to harm. To not do harm translates to ahisma. Why is it that violence is so important a concept that it deserves many words in our language to be dedicated to it: ferocity, brutality, and war. This says nothing about the act of nonviolence itself, this will be addressed next.
“People who go to war start to resemble their enemy.” This is the eighth lesson of Kurlansky's. Though I have used the example of the war in Iraq before in this paper, I can't help but to mention it again. It is a flawless representation of this lesson! After September 11th American's were shocked by the loss of so many of our civilians. America heroically went to war against terrorism, or so it would seem. We now see that instead of fighting terrorism we are attempting to control the people of Iraq and are occasionally causing the deaths of Iraqi civilians. World War II is another example beginning with the Japanese attack at Pearl Harbor. America took up arms against their enemy and ended up bombing Japanese land and killing over 700,000 civilians.
My third example comes from Kurlansky's 12th lesson. It states, “The state imagines it is impotent without a military because it cannot conceive of power without force.” I disagree with this statement. I feel that power isn't the goal of force. Force is required by government due to their fear of imminent threat. Force is used purely as a defense mechanism.
The last two lessons I'd like to address relate to one another. The first is number 21 reading, “Once you start the business of killing, you just get 'deeper and deeper,' without limits.” This statement seems undeniably true. When presented with power it is human instinct to relish in it. This can cause people to lose sight of their original goal and ride their influence too far. A wonderful example of this argument appears in Hitler's actions during World War II. He continued adding races and creeds to his list of the damned. Until his power overwhelmed him and led to the overwhelming anxiety over Germany's decline in power that led to his suicide. According to the 24th lesson, “The miracle is that despite all of society's promotion of warfare, most soldiers find warfare to be a wrenching departure from their own moral values.” This lesson also pulls my mind to the Nazis. We have learned that many Nazi soldiers felt that they had to separate their professional lives as soldiers from their personal, religious lives. They knew morally that their actions were wrong, but they felt that their duty as soldiers was equally important. While I do not agree with that method of thinking, it is reminiscent of the discussion of the Gita earlier. Many Hindus would argue that killing was part of their caste duty as soldiers despite the hints of nonviolence in their scriptures. It would be fair to say that most of the Nazi soldiers professed Christianity as their religion. I say most to leave room for the exception to the rule. If they were indeed Christian then killing was against their moral code.
The struggle between earthly duty and religious responsibility has been a long and trying one. Decisions about how to attack the dilemma should be addressed by the individual facing it. No one should try to make a decision affecting every part of another person's life whether it is a moral vs. duty struggle or which religion they should practice. Only education on all religion will allow Earth's people to make informed decisions to better their lives.
Mary Conklin
Religion 3210
Dr. M Stoltzfus
10/8/08
Primarily I believe that religion itself is the cause of most religiously based violence. There is a definite difference between spirituality and religion. Spirituality describes the relationship one possesses with their God and how that relationship affects their day to day lives and their interactions with others. Religion is an organization separating spiritual people into sects by how their God is characterized and how they believe He (or She) should be worshiped and paid homage to. The separation of these people is what creates animosity. If it weren't for darkness, light would have no name. All things would not exist without their opposite. If people were allowed to believe what they chose and divisions were not organized then perhaps everyone could just accept that everyone has their own interpretation of spirituality and we could embrace this common identity.
Also, religious persons often use their religious texts to justify terrorist like attacks. Often scriptures are taken too literally or out of context. In the case of the Bible specifically many people choose to follow it to the letter, forgetting that the word of God as presented in the scripture is written by mortal man in the years during and surrounding Christ's life. This was quite some time ago and the will of God for his people surely has changed in these hundreds (even thousands) of years. I do not claim to have all the answers, and when it comes to religion no one can. Therefore, I do not know how to propose a solution to this problem. Perhaps better education on the sacred texts to its followers is in order. Unfortunately, anyone can decide that they are qualified to teach the text and they, themselves may have a corrupted view.
The idea of elitism and the words “God is on our side!” play a considerable role in justification of war. Because of research in the past I do not believe that Hitler began his anti-semetic rampage due to religious beliefs. It was an economical and racial discrepancy that fueled his anger. However, when forces entered Germany to fight against the Nazi party suddenly God was taking sides. No one can claim God, He will take the side of the man who does His will. It is being very egocentric to believe that you undeniably have God's approval. To assume God's stance with any amount of scriptural evidence is vain and wrong.
Lastly, I want to address those religions, or rather sub-sections of religions, which promote or demand conversion of individuals not sharing their beliefs. In my first example of how religion can be used to cause violence in people I mentioned that without compartmentalizing people into religious “clubs” we could enjoy a commonness and unity. Even if it were possible to all enjoy our beliefs and the fellowship the organized Church, Mosque, Synagogue, etc. provided us with this new idea would tear it apart. At its core the conversion promotes a theme of intolerance. It says that “another religion or set of ideas is below our own and we owe it to God to make these people change, it is His will!” Everyone believes that their ideals are right, but no religious person can claim that they are sure. Religion prides itself on faith. One is expected to believe in their God, etc. without concrete evidence. Faith may even be described as the opposite of skepticism or doubt. One's faith makes an idea true for that individual but not for all people. Converting people revisits my previous argument of elitism. Anyone who believes that their faith is above that of another’s causes argument which leads to violence.
Kimball writes “It is somewhat trite, but nevertheless sadly true, to say that more wars have been waged, more people killed, and these days more evil perpetrated in the name of religion than by any other institutional force in human history." Personally, I believe this statement is true, but not whole heartedly. One particular argument raised on www.hds.harvard.edu is that Kimball never gives his reading audience any examples of these times when wars have been waged “in the name of religion.” They argue that perhaps Kimball has an opposing view of what religion might be defined as. I feel that religion does possess a strong definition. A set of beliefs setting a moral code for a group of people while giving reason to the universe may be a weak definition but I feel that it embodies what religion is. On this website the writers argue that until more modern times, religion and politics were fused. If this is the case, then how could a country, for instance, go to war for political reasons without making religion a part of its causes? My argument is this, since religion did govern many different bodies of people in the past, the people choosing to go to war were taking their religious beliefs into account in their decision. They must have if the church and state were bound. The major world religions all promote nonviolence. Of course, even this can be argued. However, in the case of September 11th, an admittedly modern example, the war started as a political struggle to keep our nation safe from terrorist attacks. Over the seven years since the attack many Americans have switched from fighting the “terrorists” to fighting the “Muslims”. Though America is the melting pot of many races and creeds virtually all of the religions represented in America support a nonviolent approach. The Bible even states plainly that “Thou shalt not kill.” Those that desert their beliefs in support of the war and still claim that we are doing God's work in Iraq are bringing religion into the war and are also misrepresenting their religion. Sarah Palin, the Republican Vice Presidential candidate for the 2008 election says the following on a www.youtube.com video: “Our national leaders are sending [our troops] out on a task that is from God.” This proves that even political wars can be strewn into religiously backed violence and warfare.
An example provided in the writing of Juergensmeyer is less certain. He references the political elections between Shimon Peres and Benjamin Netanyahu after the assassination of Yitzhak Rabin. According to Juergensmeyer Peres held a 20 percent lead in the polls until a sequence of suicide attacks on Jerusalem buses. Following these events Netanyahu took an edge in the race and claimed that he owed his victory to the Hamas terrorists who instigated the attacks. Upon investigation by both reporters and the author himself, it was discovered that the terrorists didn't care about the Israeli government's affairs and that “Maybe God wanted it.” It is fair to argue here that the attacks may not have been politically based but the Hamas that were interviewed were also very vague in their justifications, either political or religious, for their acts. Perhaps they are not fully disclosing their motives.
Juergensmeyer provides another interesting argument in his text. “The Gita gave several reasons why killing in warfare is permissible, among them the argument that the soul can never really be killed: 'he who slays, slays not; he who is slain is not slain.'” In the Gita this phrase is referring to the death of a soul. In other words, the soul will live on forever. This explains the second half of the quote. The second half is more difficult to understand. My interpretation is this; if someone “slain” can never be killed then how can anyone be called a killer? No one ever dies there the mortal act of killing means nothing to the soul. The body is simply a vessel. Unfortunately, I have to admit that I get a mixed reaction from this analyzation. I can understand the justification some Hindus may have for killing. They feel that by the words in the Gita only the body is dying, but the soul lives on. To me the act still counts as an act of violence as they are taking the earthly life from another and therefore deciding that person's earthly fate without the influence of the divine. Juergensmeyer comments again on Hindu tradition, “Another reason [that killing in warfare is permissible] is based on dharma (moral obligation): the duties of a member of the ksatriya (warrior) caste by definition involve killing, so violence is justified in the very maintenance of social order.” In response to this comment I take the side of famous nonviolent warriors such as Gandhi. Just as in Christianity, perhaps the ksatriya caste was meant to fight the battle of moral justice and evil. Perhaps the battle fought in the Gita is symbolizing a greater good to be fought in the heart and mind of good Hindus.
To conclude the previous three paragraphs I would like to say that I cannot come to a general decision on the case studies made by Kimball and Juergensmeyer. I do not believe that it is ever fair to make a generalization especially in topics as sensitive as religion. Each case must be studied and analyzed on its own. Every person living on earth has a different set of personal ethics, morals, and motives. Terrorists may commit these acts for a number of reasons while the rest of the world looks on twisting the events to fit their own prophesy for the world. I do believe that, a majority of the time, tension begins politically and is almost always strewn into a theological debate. Of course, there is always an exception to the rule.
Despite the previous small attack on religious violence, I do believe that religion can be, and is, used for good. I believe that religion has provided us with the moral codes and ethical standards by which we all live. All people who are considered good, sound individuals follow most of the Ten Commandments and the Golden Rule. The Golden Rule along with many of the commandments appear in the majority of world religions in their own way. These “laws” have become so engrained in society that they are considered common decency and I truly believe that religion can claim responsibility for this. However, I feel that it would be remiss not to mention that I used the terms “Golden Rule” and “Ten Commandments” only because Christianity is so widely recognized in America. All major world religions gave to the code of ethics by which we all live. None is superior in any way to another. In a perfect world all world religions would revisit their individual doctrine and recognize the original ideas set forth in the text. Most people would find that to kill is severely against their religion and that if they were to be loyal followers, they would cease to inflict harm on their fellow man. However, the world is not perfect and I feel that violence can only be stopped by educating people slowly. Showing people the importance of avoiding adopting an elitist attitude and following the laws set forth by their God would be a positive start. Teaching people to understand the symbolism in religious text is important as well, because those who take religious texts literally can gravely misinterpret God's word and may go against His will.
I was convinced by Kurlansky's argument that nonviolence is more effective from a political and religious standpoint than violence. Of his twenty-five lessons, nine struck me as very true and incredibly defensible. This is not to say that the others proved untrue in my mind. Of these nine I will discuss five that I feel are most significant.
First, I will discuss the very first lesson. It states that “there is no provocative word for nonviolence.” Kurlansky discusses the fact that no language possesses a word for nonviolence. He makes an example of Sanskrit in which hisma translates to harm. To not do harm translates to ahisma. Why is it that violence is so important a concept that it deserves many words in our language to be dedicated to it: ferocity, brutality, and war. This says nothing about the act of nonviolence itself, this will be addressed next.
“People who go to war start to resemble their enemy.” This is the eighth lesson of Kurlansky's. Though I have used the example of the war in Iraq before in this paper, I can't help but to mention it again. It is a flawless representation of this lesson! After September 11th American's were shocked by the loss of so many of our civilians. America heroically went to war against terrorism, or so it would seem. We now see that instead of fighting terrorism we are attempting to control the people of Iraq and are occasionally causing the deaths of Iraqi civilians. World War II is another example beginning with the Japanese attack at Pearl Harbor. America took up arms against their enemy and ended up bombing Japanese land and killing over 700,000 civilians.
My third example comes from Kurlansky's 12th lesson. It states, “The state imagines it is impotent without a military because it cannot conceive of power without force.” I disagree with this statement. I feel that power isn't the goal of force. Force is required by government due to their fear of imminent threat. Force is used purely as a defense mechanism.
The last two lessons I'd like to address relate to one another. The first is number 21 reading, “Once you start the business of killing, you just get 'deeper and deeper,' without limits.” This statement seems undeniably true. When presented with power it is human instinct to relish in it. This can cause people to lose sight of their original goal and ride their influence too far. A wonderful example of this argument appears in Hitler's actions during World War II. He continued adding races and creeds to his list of the damned. Until his power overwhelmed him and led to the overwhelming anxiety over Germany's decline in power that led to his suicide. According to the 24th lesson, “The miracle is that despite all of society's promotion of warfare, most soldiers find warfare to be a wrenching departure from their own moral values.” This lesson also pulls my mind to the Nazis. We have learned that many Nazi soldiers felt that they had to separate their professional lives as soldiers from their personal, religious lives. They knew morally that their actions were wrong, but they felt that their duty as soldiers was equally important. While I do not agree with that method of thinking, it is reminiscent of the discussion of the Gita earlier. Many Hindus would argue that killing was part of their caste duty as soldiers despite the hints of nonviolence in their scriptures. It would be fair to say that most of the Nazi soldiers professed Christianity as their religion. I say most to leave room for the exception to the rule. If they were indeed Christian then killing was against their moral code.
The struggle between earthly duty and religious responsibility has been a long and trying one. Decisions about how to attack the dilemma should be addressed by the individual facing it. No one should try to make a decision affecting every part of another person's life whether it is a moral vs. duty struggle or which religion they should practice. Only education on all religion will allow Earth's people to make informed decisions to better their lives.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Religion Paper
I'm going through a bit of a moral dilemma.
Let me begin by saying that I love Religion. I am not religious myself, but spiritual. However, I love to study world religions, their intricacies and their startling similarities. Now I am taking a class titled Religious Violence and Non-Violence. What a great topic! Mennonite pacifists all the way to organizations like Al Qaeda and the Ku Klux Klan are discussed. I am so interested to learn all of this but my teacher has a certain way of running the class that I don't agree with. We meet on Monday and Wednesday and are expected to read 4-5 chapters by each Wednesday from a book. We then write a paper reflecting on the material. On Monday he lectures and on Wednesday we have discussion that is meant to be guided but often goes very off course and accomplishes nothing. This material is precious to me and I don't want to learn it from these books! The authors give their opinions and their bias slants... I just want the facts and I'd like to have more directed discussion with my peers on the really substantial matters so that I can broaden my views. Today I have 45 minutes to write a paper spitting back at the teacher the ideas that have been given to me as intelligent fact.
I should do what the teacher asks of me so that I pass the class and can move on but it’s really upsetting to me. I am by nature a procrastinator and always put these things off but usually I do them at the last minute to turn them in. I could very well do that today but I just really don't think these papers are helping.
The professor has given us a great final project, a 10 page paper on a topic of our choosing along with a 30 minute presentation. I am going to discuss the religious justifications of a few Christian extremist groups like the Army of God and the Ku Klux Klan. This project allows me to study a singular topic and acquire the points of view of as many scholars as I choose.
Argue with me if you disagree, but I feel that Religion and Philosophy classes (excepting history) should not have textbooks. There is so much to be said about human interpretation in these subjects. I can't stand for having the ideas of a couple selected men being my only knowledge on the subject.
That's all I really have to say for now I suppose... What do you think?
Let me begin by saying that I love Religion. I am not religious myself, but spiritual. However, I love to study world religions, their intricacies and their startling similarities. Now I am taking a class titled Religious Violence and Non-Violence. What a great topic! Mennonite pacifists all the way to organizations like Al Qaeda and the Ku Klux Klan are discussed. I am so interested to learn all of this but my teacher has a certain way of running the class that I don't agree with. We meet on Monday and Wednesday and are expected to read 4-5 chapters by each Wednesday from a book. We then write a paper reflecting on the material. On Monday he lectures and on Wednesday we have discussion that is meant to be guided but often goes very off course and accomplishes nothing. This material is precious to me and I don't want to learn it from these books! The authors give their opinions and their bias slants... I just want the facts and I'd like to have more directed discussion with my peers on the really substantial matters so that I can broaden my views. Today I have 45 minutes to write a paper spitting back at the teacher the ideas that have been given to me as intelligent fact.
I should do what the teacher asks of me so that I pass the class and can move on but it’s really upsetting to me. I am by nature a procrastinator and always put these things off but usually I do them at the last minute to turn them in. I could very well do that today but I just really don't think these papers are helping.
The professor has given us a great final project, a 10 page paper on a topic of our choosing along with a 30 minute presentation. I am going to discuss the religious justifications of a few Christian extremist groups like the Army of God and the Ku Klux Klan. This project allows me to study a singular topic and acquire the points of view of as many scholars as I choose.
Argue with me if you disagree, but I feel that Religion and Philosophy classes (excepting history) should not have textbooks. There is so much to be said about human interpretation in these subjects. I can't stand for having the ideas of a couple selected men being my only knowledge on the subject.
That's all I really have to say for now I suppose... What do you think?
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Sense Memory
I'm having a weird feeling.
I've had my nose pierced twice. The first time it was the most painful experience ever. My ex told me that when it happened my nose practically jumped to the other side of my head, I flinched so badly! I was in shock, tears poured from my eyes and I tried to get up... then was told by the tech that she had only gotten halfway through the flesh and that the bad part was still coming. I like shots and having blood drawn... it isn't a fetish... but it's totally okay with me. It doesn't hurt. This was different. The worst pain of my life hands down and it will remain as such until childbirth. For at least a month after the piercing was unable to touch my face or breathe through my nose it was so painful. I remember walking on campus at Eastern New Mexico University to my dorm with my hands hugging a stack of Theatre books swearing that I would never forget the pain and I would never, EVER do this to myself again.
Well, I lost my nose ring while visiting my family at my little sister's soccer game. The hole grew over in a matter of hours and I was ringless, much to my mother's relief.
Months later I was with Lindsay in Florida and we found a discount card for a tattoo salon. He convinced me to have it re-done. I kept telling myself that I swore I would never do it again. I reminded myself multiple times that I would never forgive myself for subjecting my nose to the pain that was to come. Unfortunately, time numbs those feelings and I went for it.
The point of all that was to say... you forget how much something can hurt until you feel it again...
I've had my nose pierced twice. The first time it was the most painful experience ever. My ex told me that when it happened my nose practically jumped to the other side of my head, I flinched so badly! I was in shock, tears poured from my eyes and I tried to get up... then was told by the tech that she had only gotten halfway through the flesh and that the bad part was still coming. I like shots and having blood drawn... it isn't a fetish... but it's totally okay with me. It doesn't hurt. This was different. The worst pain of my life hands down and it will remain as such until childbirth. For at least a month after the piercing was unable to touch my face or breathe through my nose it was so painful. I remember walking on campus at Eastern New Mexico University to my dorm with my hands hugging a stack of Theatre books swearing that I would never forget the pain and I would never, EVER do this to myself again.
Well, I lost my nose ring while visiting my family at my little sister's soccer game. The hole grew over in a matter of hours and I was ringless, much to my mother's relief.
Months later I was with Lindsay in Florida and we found a discount card for a tattoo salon. He convinced me to have it re-done. I kept telling myself that I swore I would never do it again. I reminded myself multiple times that I would never forgive myself for subjecting my nose to the pain that was to come. Unfortunately, time numbs those feelings and I went for it.
The point of all that was to say... you forget how much something can hurt until you feel it again...
Photography and Lessons on Life
Hello all... I've decided to make an edit to a previous blog and post some shotty photography. (To see other artwork click on the "Art #-" entries on the "index" to the right)
The edit first... Earlier in my "Poll Post" I wrote that given the choice between the two I'd rather "like the life I'm livin'" than "live the life I like". I've changed my mind. I'm scared senseless but I do have control over where I'm going... so I'm going to make my life my own... and I'll love every minute of it! ;)
So here's some pictures... I don't have a good camera but these are fun anyway...
Thats all I have time for right now... I've done color work to the photos... I like them but they probably aren't for everybody! More later, I promise!
The edit first... Earlier in my "Poll Post" I wrote that given the choice between the two I'd rather "like the life I'm livin'" than "live the life I like". I've changed my mind. I'm scared senseless but I do have control over where I'm going... so I'm going to make my life my own... and I'll love every minute of it! ;)
So here's some pictures... I don't have a good camera but these are fun anyway...
Thats all I have time for right now... I've done color work to the photos... I like them but they probably aren't for everybody! More later, I promise!
Friday, September 12, 2008
OH! AND!
OH! AND!!!
I went by Michaels today (the craft store) in my car to dream about the brushes and paints I could have if I had money and they had a new poster!!!
NOW HIRING
~25% Employee Discount
~Flexible Shift Options
~Competative Pay Rates
I was in there in two winks of a coal miners eye! I've applied before but they throw away applications every month... so I thought I should try again.
I walked in and approached a lady with serious Lutheran hair. (Those of you who know me best know that Lutheran hair is very much like Texan hair. My grandparents in South Carolina go to a Lutheran church up there and since I was an infant this lady named Tracy who works at Wal Mart has had the biggest hair ever... I've always called that big hair Lutheran hair... I hope I do not offend.) I got an application and filled it out in store.
When I turned it in she did a once over and told me to come back at noon on Saturday! Clearly they are desperate... and NOTHING is for sure... but ANY income at all would be amazing... my hopes are high!
Also, the best "thats what she said" came up today. On national television. On the new show "Hole in the Wall" one of the teams was made up of three jockeys. Real, live horse racing jockeys. (Would it be Jockies?... regardless...) They were losing big time and the eye candy on stage said "Come on boys, you really have to make up these points!" The host replied by saying, "These are Jockeys! They are used to coming in from behind! It's what they do! (pause) Gentlemen, It's time to face the HOLE!" I swear. I was stunned.
Stunned.
I went by Michaels today (the craft store) in my car to dream about the brushes and paints I could have if I had money and they had a new poster!!!
NOW HIRING
~25% Employee Discount
~Flexible Shift Options
~Competative Pay Rates
I was in there in two winks of a coal miners eye! I've applied before but they throw away applications every month... so I thought I should try again.
I walked in and approached a lady with serious Lutheran hair. (Those of you who know me best know that Lutheran hair is very much like Texan hair. My grandparents in South Carolina go to a Lutheran church up there and since I was an infant this lady named Tracy who works at Wal Mart has had the biggest hair ever... I've always called that big hair Lutheran hair... I hope I do not offend.) I got an application and filled it out in store.
When I turned it in she did a once over and told me to come back at noon on Saturday! Clearly they are desperate... and NOTHING is for sure... but ANY income at all would be amazing... my hopes are high!
Also, the best "thats what she said" came up today. On national television. On the new show "Hole in the Wall" one of the teams was made up of three jockeys. Real, live horse racing jockeys. (Would it be Jockies?... regardless...) They were losing big time and the eye candy on stage said "Come on boys, you really have to make up these points!" The host replied by saying, "These are Jockeys! They are used to coming in from behind! It's what they do! (pause) Gentlemen, It's time to face the HOLE!" I swear. I was stunned.
Stunned.
Art #2
I want to write something but have nothing to say... I want to write a long semi-deep message but I'm all dried up... I'm Lake Lanier! I'm the Rio Grande!
So instead I'll put up some art or something... Even though I don't have any good pictures...
This one is my milky way. It was a 20 minute bored watching TV kind of thing... It's lame and not impressive but I kinda like it. The little stars and stuff... Neat. I had no idea where it was going the whole time. I had two brushes like 15 paint colors canvas and charcoal... and I just started going while watching Good Eats on the ever wonderous Food Network.
This is another one... I did this one for Lindsay. He's a sports person. It was a month-a-versary or something and I was bored watching tv again. Thought I'd try to do something nice.
Yeah... I've noticed that my style is bold colors with defined outlines... I'm not so much for realistic landscapes and portraits. I like objects that are simple with clean edges. Or nothingness... just shapes. I think it may be a cop out.
This post is ridiculous. I feel like I seem really emo. Oh well... I promise I'll write a post that matters some time soon... something with a point...
;)
So instead I'll put up some art or something... Even though I don't have any good pictures...
This one is my milky way. It was a 20 minute bored watching TV kind of thing... It's lame and not impressive but I kinda like it. The little stars and stuff... Neat. I had no idea where it was going the whole time. I had two brushes like 15 paint colors canvas and charcoal... and I just started going while watching Good Eats on the ever wonderous Food Network.
This is another one... I did this one for Lindsay. He's a sports person. It was a month-a-versary or something and I was bored watching tv again. Thought I'd try to do something nice.
Yeah... I've noticed that my style is bold colors with defined outlines... I'm not so much for realistic landscapes and portraits. I like objects that are simple with clean edges. Or nothingness... just shapes. I think it may be a cop out.
This post is ridiculous. I feel like I seem really emo. Oh well... I promise I'll write a post that matters some time soon... something with a point...
;)
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
C'est la vie!
It has been quite awhile.
I still have no job... I've applied plenty of places...
My mom ("zenonymom") or whatever the hell she calls herself tells me I have to go back and beg days after I turn in an application. Well, I'm not about that. If they don't need help right now, then they aren't going to hire me because I'm desperate. If they do need help, they would have called.
I'm turning an application into South Georgia Medical Center today. I figure I've been in the hospital enough to know the ins and outs.
The application was half legit requests like education, work, and references. The other half was the interview. These people don't even want to be bothered to do the interview in person... they don't care if people can bullshit on their feet as long as they can shamelessly promote themselves in their own time.
I cheesed it up. Made myself out to be the perfect, upbeat, optomistic employee!
They'll never know the difference,
1. Because with my luck they won't ever even call me back...
2. Because my past employers are my mom and my uncle. Thats a plus to having divorced parents. You can put your parents as references and, with the name difference, you're promised a perfect review! :)
If things don't shape up Sarah and I will have to ask our paternal grandmother for money... or at least a loan. This is very bad... because we've done nothing to deserve it...
Oh well...
C'est la vie.
I still have no job... I've applied plenty of places...
My mom ("zenonymom") or whatever the hell she calls herself tells me I have to go back and beg days after I turn in an application. Well, I'm not about that. If they don't need help right now, then they aren't going to hire me because I'm desperate. If they do need help, they would have called.
I'm turning an application into South Georgia Medical Center today. I figure I've been in the hospital enough to know the ins and outs.
The application was half legit requests like education, work, and references. The other half was the interview. These people don't even want to be bothered to do the interview in person... they don't care if people can bullshit on their feet as long as they can shamelessly promote themselves in their own time.
I cheesed it up. Made myself out to be the perfect, upbeat, optomistic employee!
They'll never know the difference,
1. Because with my luck they won't ever even call me back...
2. Because my past employers are my mom and my uncle. Thats a plus to having divorced parents. You can put your parents as references and, with the name difference, you're promised a perfect review! :)
If things don't shape up Sarah and I will have to ask our paternal grandmother for money... or at least a loan. This is very bad... because we've done nothing to deserve it...
Oh well...
C'est la vie.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
The Inevitable Fate of a Porch Swing...
Our future is set...
Like pin curls in the 40's.
No matter what we do our future is laid before us. We cannot alter the inevitable.
Inevitable: why such a negative connotation? It simply means inescapable. When you slurp an ICEE too fast brain freeze is "inevitable"... but so is a rockin', awesome wild cherry party for your mouth!
Who is to say that our future isn't just dripping with sappy happiness?!
Some people are born with the ability to see the bright side. Others were born to question and bitch and moan... A perfect example is brought to us by a couple of friendly gourds making their way to the Promised Land... (via Veggie Tales)...
"I hear its flowing with milk and honey... sounds sticky..."
Touche gourd.
My life is a porch swing.
Either it will fall or or it will hang on.
When it squeaks and groans I have two options...
1. Oh, porch swing. What character have you! With your cute little noises only adding to your delightful old time charm! Thou has given me no reason to doubt your sturdy ties and therefore, I am happy!
2. Oh shit, there it goes again... I can feel it. This is the time it all comes crashing down!
Either way... the swing will either stay up or fall down. All the conversation in your head is not going to influence it. So lose the voices. Why not give that swing the benefit of the doubt?! It hasn't fallen yet... and its a 20 year old swing...
Yeah, my life is a porch swing.
I've always liked porch swings. ;)
Like pin curls in the 40's.
No matter what we do our future is laid before us. We cannot alter the inevitable.
Inevitable: why such a negative connotation? It simply means inescapable. When you slurp an ICEE too fast brain freeze is "inevitable"... but so is a rockin', awesome wild cherry party for your mouth!
Who is to say that our future isn't just dripping with sappy happiness?!
Some people are born with the ability to see the bright side. Others were born to question and bitch and moan... A perfect example is brought to us by a couple of friendly gourds making their way to the Promised Land... (via Veggie Tales)...
"I hear its flowing with milk and honey... sounds sticky..."
Touche gourd.
My life is a porch swing.
Either it will fall or or it will hang on.
When it squeaks and groans I have two options...
1. Oh, porch swing. What character have you! With your cute little noises only adding to your delightful old time charm! Thou has given me no reason to doubt your sturdy ties and therefore, I am happy!
2. Oh shit, there it goes again... I can feel it. This is the time it all comes crashing down!
Either way... the swing will either stay up or fall down. All the conversation in your head is not going to influence it. So lose the voices. Why not give that swing the benefit of the doubt?! It hasn't fallen yet... and its a 20 year old swing...
Yeah, my life is a porch swing.
I've always liked porch swings. ;)
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Remember?
Remember when you lived with your mom and dad and they payed your bills and cut your steak and cooked your dinner and got your baked potato mushed up just right?
Remember when you woke up in the morning and had your clothes all set out for you and you put them on taking your time. Then you got your toast all buttered up and warm, wrapped in a paper towel and walked to the end of the road to wait for the bus?
Remember how when you got home you had a snack waiting and wrote a story, 1/2 a page long, using at least 6 of that week's spelling words? Words like worth, right, speak... Then went outside to see if the neighbors wanted to come over and be in a play you were putting on for your parents?
Remember how the WORST part of the week was when you had to clean your room? I bet you do... I bet some people, less... but some, remember how while you cleaned your room Mom and Dad were cleaning the kitchen, living room, den, hallways, office, their room, bathrooms... It never occured to you when you were trying to shove all your art supplies in the back of the closet that one day, not to far off... You'd be the one having to clean the whole house.
The whole house... that YOU are now paying for. With money from a non-existent job. Cleaning the house with the time you have left over after you've gone to school and run your errands, and God forbid, slept.
Remember when you were being tucked in and Mom kissed you on the forehead and you rolled yourself up perfectly cozy... and while she was closing the door behind her you said "Turn the hall light on! Leave a crack in the door!" And she would smile and position the door just so and flip the switch?
Who knew that behind that smile a stream of calculations broke out speedily counting the hours of the night, the watts used, and the money she'll spend at the end of the month to keep the monsters at bay?
Remember when you were in high school and you knew what it was all about. When you had a job... but the money was yours, and you ruled the world!? Remember how you went to Sonic everyday for lunch with your best friend and all you had to save for was prom tickets and gas money?
Remember gas money? When you spent less than half your pay check to fill your tank?
Remember when everyone warned you that you needed to start saving, that those tiny car payments and taxes were going to blow up in your face soon?! Remember that?...
Me either. I think we blocked it out.
Remember when you had to give up things you loved and that made you feel happy and fulfilled to have time to get a job just to survive... and then nobody would even call you back after you applied? Remember panic?
Remember your parents giving you a deadline to be out of their house, and you didn't have the means? Remember having to give up hot water and a/c in the middle of a South Georgia summer to just barely squeeze by with only one meal a day provided by your fast food employer? Honestly, I don't... but a couple of my friends remember that. Don't you?
Remember dreaming? Remember when everyone told you that you could do anything you wanted when you grew up? And you danced around your room in your moms makeup and skirt... or operated on dolls with serious injuries, or put out sidewalk chalk fires with a garden hose? Remember when it was finally time to start putting those dreams to work but bills were due... so you'll have to put it off... again?
Remember how happy you were? How finding a rock that even barely resembled an arrow head was the greatest treasure of all? How getting to help mom make dinner was like winning the lottery? How Winnie the Pooh knew right where to find your funny bone? Remember how being the belle of the ball was as simple as making a homemade dandelion bracelet?
Me too.
Remembering is so easy... its going back in time that's giving me a run for my money.
(money?)
Remember when you woke up in the morning and had your clothes all set out for you and you put them on taking your time. Then you got your toast all buttered up and warm, wrapped in a paper towel and walked to the end of the road to wait for the bus?
Remember how when you got home you had a snack waiting and wrote a story, 1/2 a page long, using at least 6 of that week's spelling words? Words like worth, right, speak... Then went outside to see if the neighbors wanted to come over and be in a play you were putting on for your parents?
Remember how the WORST part of the week was when you had to clean your room? I bet you do... I bet some people, less... but some, remember how while you cleaned your room Mom and Dad were cleaning the kitchen, living room, den, hallways, office, their room, bathrooms... It never occured to you when you were trying to shove all your art supplies in the back of the closet that one day, not to far off... You'd be the one having to clean the whole house.
The whole house... that YOU are now paying for. With money from a non-existent job. Cleaning the house with the time you have left over after you've gone to school and run your errands, and God forbid, slept.
Remember when you were being tucked in and Mom kissed you on the forehead and you rolled yourself up perfectly cozy... and while she was closing the door behind her you said "Turn the hall light on! Leave a crack in the door!" And she would smile and position the door just so and flip the switch?
Who knew that behind that smile a stream of calculations broke out speedily counting the hours of the night, the watts used, and the money she'll spend at the end of the month to keep the monsters at bay?
Remember when you were in high school and you knew what it was all about. When you had a job... but the money was yours, and you ruled the world!? Remember how you went to Sonic everyday for lunch with your best friend and all you had to save for was prom tickets and gas money?
Remember gas money? When you spent less than half your pay check to fill your tank?
Remember when everyone warned you that you needed to start saving, that those tiny car payments and taxes were going to blow up in your face soon?! Remember that?...
Me either. I think we blocked it out.
Remember when you had to give up things you loved and that made you feel happy and fulfilled to have time to get a job just to survive... and then nobody would even call you back after you applied? Remember panic?
Remember your parents giving you a deadline to be out of their house, and you didn't have the means? Remember having to give up hot water and a/c in the middle of a South Georgia summer to just barely squeeze by with only one meal a day provided by your fast food employer? Honestly, I don't... but a couple of my friends remember that. Don't you?
Remember dreaming? Remember when everyone told you that you could do anything you wanted when you grew up? And you danced around your room in your moms makeup and skirt... or operated on dolls with serious injuries, or put out sidewalk chalk fires with a garden hose? Remember when it was finally time to start putting those dreams to work but bills were due... so you'll have to put it off... again?
Remember how happy you were? How finding a rock that even barely resembled an arrow head was the greatest treasure of all? How getting to help mom make dinner was like winning the lottery? How Winnie the Pooh knew right where to find your funny bone? Remember how being the belle of the ball was as simple as making a homemade dandelion bracelet?
Me too.
Remembering is so easy... its going back in time that's giving me a run for my money.
(money?)
Sunday, August 24, 2008
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest - Part 1
I always knew that my family was unique. We ha “flare!” When I was born I was the only child. I had an uncle with a pony tail, a Danish grandfather, and my dad was a ballerina. The makings for the perfect American family, all we needed was a little baby brother and a puppy! Well, I had a sister, which is close enough, and some ducks... that we raised in the bath tub. Hindsight is 20/20... I should have seen my future coming, but my foresight was foggy. There were so many life events blocking the mortal tunnel that had to take place in order to make me the truly crazy individual that I am now, oh so proud to be.
Allow me to set the scene. I'm in a dark room feeling cold, exhausted and irritated. I feel plastic sheets underneath me wrapping themselves around a twin bed I can only assume is made of concrete. I open my eyes and try to focus on the dingy brown ceiling through the wasted tears settling in the corners of my eyes. I'm bored. I roll over to my left side and hear the plastic pillows sans cases crinkle under my head. The door opens, “Mary C?” Shit. I get up and mindlessly follow the drab woman down the hallway sporting the very latest in back flap hospital gowns and a lovely over starched “blanket” as a shawl. She ushers me into a small room with harsh fluorescent lighting that does wonders for my tear stained complexion. I am met by a kind little man who thinks he has a sense of humor to rival the greats. He tells me he has to ask me some “difficult questions.”
“Birthday?”
“1-26-88.”
“Age?”
“19.” Not very difficult so far.
“Do you see the big, green parrot on my left shoulder?”
With a blank and unamused stare I say, “No.” It's getting more difficult.
“Good, he's on my right!” He gives himself a victory laugh. He is very funny...
“Why are you here Mary?” I've answered this before. Why do these types insist on asking this broad question first off? Anyone who could end up in an institution like this could talk for a year and still not get around to “why they are here”. Hell, the ones with multiple personalities have help telling the story and even they are typically unsuccessful. Luckily, with practice in doing these interviews, I've developed a “schpeal” (if you will).
To be continued...
Allow me to set the scene. I'm in a dark room feeling cold, exhausted and irritated. I feel plastic sheets underneath me wrapping themselves around a twin bed I can only assume is made of concrete. I open my eyes and try to focus on the dingy brown ceiling through the wasted tears settling in the corners of my eyes. I'm bored. I roll over to my left side and hear the plastic pillows sans cases crinkle under my head. The door opens, “Mary C?” Shit. I get up and mindlessly follow the drab woman down the hallway sporting the very latest in back flap hospital gowns and a lovely over starched “blanket” as a shawl. She ushers me into a small room with harsh fluorescent lighting that does wonders for my tear stained complexion. I am met by a kind little man who thinks he has a sense of humor to rival the greats. He tells me he has to ask me some “difficult questions.”
“Birthday?”
“1-26-88.”
“Age?”
“19.” Not very difficult so far.
“Do you see the big, green parrot on my left shoulder?”
With a blank and unamused stare I say, “No.” It's getting more difficult.
“Good, he's on my right!” He gives himself a victory laugh. He is very funny...
“Why are you here Mary?” I've answered this before. Why do these types insist on asking this broad question first off? Anyone who could end up in an institution like this could talk for a year and still not get around to “why they are here”. Hell, the ones with multiple personalities have help telling the story and even they are typically unsuccessful. Luckily, with practice in doing these interviews, I've developed a “schpeal” (if you will).
To be continued...
My Book...
Ladies and Gentlemen...
Sometime last November or so I started writing a book. I have given it the title "One Crashed Over the Cuckoo's Nest". The book was inspired by a couple of very unfortunate events in my life. The only reason I'm giving this introduction post is to warn friends and family before they read.
The first half of the book is short stories capturing the insanity of my personal history. Little snippets that make the circumstances in the second half of the book make more sense.
The book was written after I was admitted into a mental hospital... twice. First, I went to Greenleaf in Valdosta, GA. Approximately one month later I went to Peachford in Atlanta. I joke now with my family and very close friends about how "crazy" I am... but I'm not. Honest.
Currently, I have 3 hospital stays under my belt... The one this book is written in reference to was my second time "incarcerated". I was at Peachford and honestly I don't remember anything about the stay. They drugged me up so staggeringly that I literally slept the entire week I was there except for when some unrefined, male nurse came in my room and forced me to wake up to be fed even more medication. When I returned to Peachford four to five months later I didn't let them give me medication without knowing exactly what it was. Unfortunately, I couldn't think clearly enough for that the first time around.
I don't intend to ever be in one of those hospitals again... but hell, I never could have imagined it happening the first 3 times either. My friends and family know that I'm sane. Maybe I'm too sane? Too normal? Maybe I just ended up there because whatever higher being exists knew that I'd get a kick out of it and try to write a book. Who knows?
I have been very weary of sharing the experience with people but at this point I'm not feeling too worried about it. Those who are important will love me anyway. I'm not embarrassed anymore... I actually feel blessed! Halloween of 2007 I was playing spades with an extreme OCD patient and 2 heroine addicts over the age of 50. Surprisingly, these were some of the most incredible people I've ever met! I've learned endless amounts from these loons... and I'm proud to be one of them!
So, here it is. Dripping with sarcasm and written in a time when I was pretty unstable mentally and still on way too many prescription drugs. ;)
Sometime last November or so I started writing a book. I have given it the title "One Crashed Over the Cuckoo's Nest". The book was inspired by a couple of very unfortunate events in my life. The only reason I'm giving this introduction post is to warn friends and family before they read.
The first half of the book is short stories capturing the insanity of my personal history. Little snippets that make the circumstances in the second half of the book make more sense.
The book was written after I was admitted into a mental hospital... twice. First, I went to Greenleaf in Valdosta, GA. Approximately one month later I went to Peachford in Atlanta. I joke now with my family and very close friends about how "crazy" I am... but I'm not. Honest.
Currently, I have 3 hospital stays under my belt... The one this book is written in reference to was my second time "incarcerated". I was at Peachford and honestly I don't remember anything about the stay. They drugged me up so staggeringly that I literally slept the entire week I was there except for when some unrefined, male nurse came in my room and forced me to wake up to be fed even more medication. When I returned to Peachford four to five months later I didn't let them give me medication without knowing exactly what it was. Unfortunately, I couldn't think clearly enough for that the first time around.
I don't intend to ever be in one of those hospitals again... but hell, I never could have imagined it happening the first 3 times either. My friends and family know that I'm sane. Maybe I'm too sane? Too normal? Maybe I just ended up there because whatever higher being exists knew that I'd get a kick out of it and try to write a book. Who knows?
I have been very weary of sharing the experience with people but at this point I'm not feeling too worried about it. Those who are important will love me anyway. I'm not embarrassed anymore... I actually feel blessed! Halloween of 2007 I was playing spades with an extreme OCD patient and 2 heroine addicts over the age of 50. Surprisingly, these were some of the most incredible people I've ever met! I've learned endless amounts from these loons... and I'm proud to be one of them!
So, here it is. Dripping with sarcasm and written in a time when I was pretty unstable mentally and still on way too many prescription drugs. ;)
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Poll Post
I'm writing this post simply as a means for people to tell me their "other" from the poll to the right.
The idea of a bucket list is something I haven't come to terms with.
I'm randomly reminded of a song line:
"You can like the life you're livin'- You can live the life you like"
I don't know that I want to give myself a list to complete. I'd hate to take my final breath knowing that I made a checklist that I didn't complete... The Ultimate Procrastinator.
I'm going to like the life I'm living... not work so damn hard to meet my own expectations. If you are anything like me then your expectations for yourself are exponentially higher than your expectations of anyone else in the world. The pope could get away with pissing in the holy water before i'd let myself off the hook for a speeding ticket.
Thats my position... but honestly, the expectations happen on their own. They don't consult our
conscious before becoming an ingrained fiat. So which ones have weaseled their way onto your list?
Hit the polls!
The idea of a bucket list is something I haven't come to terms with.
I'm randomly reminded of a song line:
"You can like the life you're livin'- You can live the life you like"
I don't know that I want to give myself a list to complete. I'd hate to take my final breath knowing that I made a checklist that I didn't complete... The Ultimate Procrastinator.
I'm going to like the life I'm living... not work so damn hard to meet my own expectations. If you are anything like me then your expectations for yourself are exponentially higher than your expectations of anyone else in the world. The pope could get away with pissing in the holy water before i'd let myself off the hook for a speeding ticket.
Thats my position... but honestly, the expectations happen on their own. They don't consult our
conscious before becoming an ingrained fiat. So which ones have weaseled their way onto your list?
Hit the polls!
Art #1
I'll put up a painting or two of mine everyonce in awhile when I can't think of anything else to write... So this one I did about 6 months ago. I had a doctors appt. at the Papp Clinic in Newnan, Ga. where i'm from and saw a painting kinda like this on the wall. Black background with lots of colored glass bottles. I loved it because my sister, Sarah, and I were doing our new living room in black/white/and bright, bold, solid colors. Unfortunately, like all other art, it was priced at 5 times its value. A canvas costs about 4 bucks if you don't get Rolex brand and paints are expensive but they last... I can't imagine ever being so confident in myself that I could charge someone 20 times what it cost me to make something to buy it... but thats just me. Is it? Anyway, I got the classic- "just make something like it yourself!"- from my family. We went to Florida recently where I saw a gorgeous, complex glass chandelier for $150. My mom told me to make it myself. A freaking chandelier! I don't want to be troubled... call me lazy but I haven't the energy! I just wanted the one that was already made! How many problems would be solved by winning the lottery?
Then again, How many problems would arise from having that kind of financial freedom. We could get into a lot of trouble...
Anyway, I'm glad I did the painting myself. The bottles don't look at all realistic but they are in my style. Plus, it got me back into painting which has been a nice escape and more importantly a way to pass the time when I'm anxiously waiting for Adult Swim to start up... ;)
Enjoy!
Intro to Me
I hardly know where to begin. I created this blog after talking to a friend at a bar one night. I want to write. I'm not the greatest at it, im learning... but he told me that in order to reach my dreams of writing for magazines and in online columns I had to be "in"... whatever that means. Anyway, he was right. I need to have a "following" as he put it and so a blog it is. It's baby step but it is what it is. I'll write here about the things on my mind. Post pictures of my latest paintings and photography. Maybe both. I really look forward to reading your comments... Please tell your friends?
Okay, here it goes...
Okay, here it goes...
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