Sunday, January 03, 2010

oh dear...

Oh dear...

Mary is back on blogger.

Part of me hopes no one reads this anymore (since its been so long) and it just becomes a public diary that one day some bored kid from Indiana will come across and get a kick out of. Then the other part of me would be just fine with having my old following back. :)

New Year, New House, New Rules, New Friends, New Major... same old Mary it feels like. Which is a little sad, because the old Mary was cool and all, but it gets old. Especially for me- I can't get a break from myself. (I like how i capitalized all that stuff by the way... that was a little strange).

Anyway... my feeling is this... everyone has rough patches... but its getting to the point with me where i'm having trouble seeing where one ends and the next begins. Life is funny that way- and not funny at all at the same time. I'm just ready for the bad crap to go away. Everytime I get over a little of the bullshit, something else pops up.

I feel like the girl in the cartoon who noticed a water leak in the wall of a big dam and plugged it with gum just so that two more leaks would spring up and it continues like that until I'm out of gum and i'm using all ten toes.

***note: i just read this entry to myself... just stop here if you don't want to read really vague crap that is uninteresting***

As to why I'm awake writing this right now... stuff happened at home tonight. I mean... I already had a lot on my plate... and what happened here wasn't even that bad... I guess my mind was like "yeah, this is a decent enough excuse to initiate plan mental breakdown". (which was really lame of me to say). I just feel kind of alone. In Valdosta I have a lot of friends but I'm not really, really close to any of them... I really love the people here, but I feel like we haven't known each other long enough for full trust to be there on their part. Its kind of hard to explain... and like I said earlier, this is going to probably become a public get things out of my head type of deal and not a blog for reading. I don't know... with some people, i'll always be a friend but not the one you go to with the big stuff... which is normal... but i wish there was one person that i had that connection with. I want someone who will come to me and that I can go to. There are a couple people I would go to, but I don't think they are prepared for that... because I know for a fact that they aren't opening up to me. But you know... you can't change the minds of others. And i kind of feel like i understand the world better than people give me credit for. I've been through a lot, like... crazy shit. Not to say that other people haven't... but I have some pretty damn good insight on certain things and it irritates me when people brush what i say aside because they think, "what does she know?" I see self destructive behavior beyond what is normal... and I care so much about these people but they won't have any part of it. I often get "people have to make their own mistakes" in response... but there are some things you just have to learn from people. Take my word for it, the direction in which you are headed is one I am familiar with. You are welcome to try to learn the lesson yourself but I can't promise you'll come out the other end okay. I don't want to learn the "suicide is permanent" lesson for myself (thats just for instance)... thats just one of those things I'll take someones word on. If you haven't picked up on it by now, i keep saying things like "couple" and "some people" but I really have someone in mind. I'm worried about this person, sometimes selfishly, because I don't want to fall apart if something goes down... but I can't change minds. This particular person likes to just go on a whim. And I agree, thats fun- its unique- but this person is going to get hurt. And that just sucks. I get irritated sometimes and think that I'm wasting my time when I try to help. Either they are dwelling on the past or living for the moment, but its never about whats next- and thats no way to live. Its just irresponsible. And I hate the "i dont need to be responsible right now, im learning limits and figuring out the world" attitude. Maybe its because certain things forced me to grow up really fast (even though i sucked at it)... but i think its because its just a horrible horrible stance on how to live your early 20s not to mention its pretty naive (even though that sounds 100% more bitchy than i meant it). Maybe we're just vastly different people. Maybe i'm doing what i hate and not opening my mind to other lifestyles. I just wish some of my newer friends knew more about me... or cared to. Some of them have been interested in my life, and thoughts, and experiences... others are far to focused on their own shit to care (again- i cant help but to sound bitchy even though im honestly not bitter... its wierd). And unfortunately, those are the ones that could use a few lessons from what i figured out the very very hard way. Its very hard to accept, and it drives me insane. I want so badly to help and to be there- but I just feel totally unwanted. I feel like I get lied to a lot and things are kept behind my back... which sucks too when you trust someone, but that may be paranoia... who knows? Sometimes, I get the feeling that I'm a part time stand-in for something/someone from the past. Which is understandable I guess... I have people from my past that I miss more than anything... I just wish I could go back and play sudoku and eat sonic and talk for hours about absolutely anything on my mind- and it would be welcomed and accepted and discussed- and I'd cry and that would be okay, because thats what we did for each other and thats how strong our bond was. But, I don't have that anymore because distance does a number on friendships, and I've learned to move on and I intend to find someone else that could be that good of a friend- I don't want to make someone feel like the replacement for someone better. Its not fair- and it ruins a relationship (not to mention their sense of self worth). But thats what is pretty much happening to me it seems like... oh well, I guess... Maybe i'm working toward a type of relationship with this person that they weren't expecting or even wanting.

I'll just keep trucking... and I'll find someone that can be that person for me- and I'll find all the other things I want too. It'll take time... which I hate... but i'll accept. I can't control other people and how they feel and act, as much as i want to because i care about them. I can only do the best I can for my friends and for myself.

And with that thought in mind, I wrote my previous blog...

, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Uh huh. Maybe you could just call up yo' mama and chat?

Unknown said...

Good to see you back in the digital world. And for what it's worth, I was always a fan of old Mary. Much loves for ya.

Anonymous said...

Ohhh I miss you too. I think I have some idea of how you feel, not entirely obviously. The only close friend I really had just moved across the country.

I'll always love the old Mary... :)

And I hope you know that if you ever need anyone to talk to I'll always be here, no matter the distance. Just call me! I'm not trying to live in the past, but instead not give up on the fantastic friendship we had. I've been thinking about it a lot lately.

Love you so much.