oh dear...

Oh dear...

Mary is back on blogger.

Part of me hopes no one reads this anymore (since its been so long) and it just becomes a public diary that one day some bored kid from Indiana will come across and get a kick out of. Then the other part of me would be just fine with having my old following back. :)

New Year, New House, New Rules, New Friends, New Major... same old Mary it feels like. Which is a little sad, because the old Mary was cool and all, but it gets old. Especially for me- I can't get a break from myself. (I like how i capitalized all that stuff by the way... that was a little strange).

Anyway... my feeling is this... everyone has rough patches... but its getting to the point with me where i'm having trouble seeing where one ends and the next begins. Life is funny that way- and not funny at all at the same time. I'm just ready for the bad crap to go away. Everytime I get over a little of the bullshit, something else pops up.

I feel like the girl in the cartoon who noticed a water leak in the wall of a big dam and plugged it with gum just so that two more leaks would spring up and it continues like that until I'm out of gum and i'm using all ten toes.

***note: i just read this entry to myself... just stop here if you don't want to read really vague crap that is uninteresting***

As to why I'm awake writing this right now... stuff happened at home tonight. I mean... I already had a lot on my plate... and what happened here wasn't even that bad... I guess my mind was like "yeah, this is a decent enough excuse to initiate plan mental breakdown". (which was really lame of me to say). I just feel kind of alone. In Valdosta I have a lot of friends but I'm not really, really close to any of them... I really love the people here, but I feel like we haven't known each other long enough for full trust to be there on their part. Its kind of hard to explain... and like I said earlier, this is going to probably become a public get things out of my head type of deal and not a blog for reading. I don't know... with some people, i'll always be a friend but not the one you go to with the big stuff... which is normal... but i wish there was one person that i had that connection with. I want someone who will come to me and that I can go to. There are a couple people I would go to, but I don't think they are prepared for that... because I know for a fact that they aren't opening up to me. But you know... you can't change the minds of others. And i kind of feel like i understand the world better than people give me credit for. I've been through a lot, like... crazy shit. Not to say that other people haven't... but I have some pretty damn good insight on certain things and it irritates me when people brush what i say aside because they think, "what does she know?" I see self destructive behavior beyond what is normal... and I care so much about these people but they won't have any part of it. I often get "people have to make their own mistakes" in response... but there are some things you just have to learn from people. Take my word for it, the direction in which you are headed is one I am familiar with. You are welcome to try to learn the lesson yourself but I can't promise you'll come out the other end okay. I don't want to learn the "suicide is permanent" lesson for myself (thats just for instance)... thats just one of those things I'll take someones word on. If you haven't picked up on it by now, i keep saying things like "couple" and "some people" but I really have someone in mind. I'm worried about this person, sometimes selfishly, because I don't want to fall apart if something goes down... but I can't change minds. This particular person likes to just go on a whim. And I agree, thats fun- its unique- but this person is going to get hurt. And that just sucks. I get irritated sometimes and think that I'm wasting my time when I try to help. Either they are dwelling on the past or living for the moment, but its never about whats next- and thats no way to live. Its just irresponsible. And I hate the "i dont need to be responsible right now, im learning limits and figuring out the world" attitude. Maybe its because certain things forced me to grow up really fast (even though i sucked at it)... but i think its because its just a horrible horrible stance on how to live your early 20s not to mention its pretty naive (even though that sounds 100% more bitchy than i meant it). Maybe we're just vastly different people. Maybe i'm doing what i hate and not opening my mind to other lifestyles. I just wish some of my newer friends knew more about me... or cared to. Some of them have been interested in my life, and thoughts, and experiences... others are far to focused on their own shit to care (again- i cant help but to sound bitchy even though im honestly not bitter... its wierd). And unfortunately, those are the ones that could use a few lessons from what i figured out the very very hard way. Its very hard to accept, and it drives me insane. I want so badly to help and to be there- but I just feel totally unwanted. I feel like I get lied to a lot and things are kept behind my back... which sucks too when you trust someone, but that may be paranoia... who knows? Sometimes, I get the feeling that I'm a part time stand-in for something/someone from the past. Which is understandable I guess... I have people from my past that I miss more than anything... I just wish I could go back and play sudoku and eat sonic and talk for hours about absolutely anything on my mind- and it would be welcomed and accepted and discussed- and I'd cry and that would be okay, because thats what we did for each other and thats how strong our bond was. But, I don't have that anymore because distance does a number on friendships, and I've learned to move on and I intend to find someone else that could be that good of a friend- I don't want to make someone feel like the replacement for someone better. Its not fair- and it ruins a relationship (not to mention their sense of self worth). But thats what is pretty much happening to me it seems like... oh well, I guess... Maybe i'm working toward a type of relationship with this person that they weren't expecting or even wanting.

I'll just keep trucking... and I'll find someone that can be that person for me- and I'll find all the other things I want too. It'll take time... which I hate... but i'll accept. I can't control other people and how they feel and act, as much as i want to because i care about them. I can only do the best I can for my friends and for myself.

And with that thought in mind, I wrote my previous blog...

, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

God, who or whatever you may (or may not) be, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Mofe's Birthday - 12- 13 - 723 b.c.a

Today is not your birthday
As the hour is quite late
I have rather missed the deadline
I'll miss Christmas at this rate!

We know you're growing old now
I hope you aren't put off
Extra naps and nose hair
Won't cause us all to scoff.

I wasn't in town this year
To provide you with meraingues
But in just one week I'll be there
With loads of gifts and things.

I'm sorry to have missed you
Your'e always there for me
But you were in my mind and heart
As you will ever be.

Happy Belated Birthday From Mary

A day in a walking coma...

The only thing more tired than me is the beehive hair-do.

I have to be out of the house doing things non-stop for 14 hours today with 4.5 hours of sleep behind me.


I am exhausted...




...But that up-do really has seen better days...

President Elect Barack Obama

Wow! Doesn't it feel great to say that?!

This is a complete 360 from the last post.

I don't think I will live to see another election this meaningful... I'm so proud to have voted for the man who won and for the man that will bring our country into a new and enligtened era!

After the announcement was made I quickly gathered my things and drove to the bar next to my house where I relished in our victory! My friend Rachel bought me a "blue shot" and Lindsay and I went off to Taco Bell (our haven) to celebrate. When we got there 4 employees were crouched around an impromtu entertainment center watching the speech. We settled in for the last half of it or so and I literally almost cried. He is such an eloquent man... a true orator.

Incedentally, everyone at Taco Bell (the 5 employees and us) we're thrilled and Lindsay and I ate at half off. The cashier Cassondra told us that whenever we come to eat and shes there "shes got us". We're hoping that means cheap food ;).

Congratulations to all! No matter who you voted for! Either way, America is headed for success and every citizen will be a part of the journey!

Crap Sundae (... or Mondae)

(NOTE: I wrote most of this yesterday then finished it this morning. I tried to change all the "todays" to "yesterdays" but forgive me if I wasn't perfect.)

Yesterday was one of those days... 3 big things and tons of little annoyances that have left me sitting in the dark living room of my dirty apartment writing a pity blog while Sarah finishes a paper due tomorrow that she has had the assignment for for 2 weeks.



God bless her... procrastination runs deep in our veins... Nothing like an all nighter to draw the words out of you. Over my shoulder she says "thank the Lord she has an amazing sister who can write..." I guess thats my cue to help.



Those little things were nothing, but the state of utter mental distress I've been in has pushed them over the edge. Its like if you went to an indoor pool at 10am to swim and at 10:30 someone started pushing your head under. Every time you were able to pop up for a breath he would say something demoralizing that you just had to take in stride because you had to save your breath. At 9:00pm when you finally leave the pool, you're fuming mad and totally humiliated and it starts to rain... as if you hadn't had enough water on your face today... RAIN?! Really?! Thats all I'm saying...

The three big things:

1. Has to do with a felony committed right under my nose but to protect the innocent I cannot say more. Really it wasn't that big of a deal but its irritating, scary, and (frankly) was just the cherry on top of my Crap Sundae.

2. Fight over religion in my religion class.

3. "Political conversation" while painting a child's face at Fazoli's.

My blood is literally boiling. Check me out... I'm on fire. I started my day off with an intrusive vaginal exam but that didn't even make my list... what does that tell you?! I realize that vaginal is a "secret" word that turns your tounge into soilified sin, but I really don't care anymore what anyone has to say but me. I've held it in all damn day so put on your rain coat, its comin' at you.



Anyway, I should start by telling you what I did last Wednesday. I was given 45 minutes in which to present to my collegiate level Religion class about a topic of my choosing. I was personally unaware that "of my choosing" actually meant, "be sure to praise Christianity and don't you dare question any beliefs that the students in this class hold true". I thought it meant, "this is a college level class, we are all open minded acedemics who want to learn and push our boundaries". I was wrong. The class is called Religious Violence and Nonviolence. I knew people would present on the Reformation and on why we shouldn't hate all Muslims because of September 11th. (Frankly, I saw that presentation about 5 times while I was in highschool, I thought we had moved on from the Muslims... there are other religions...) Anyway, I decided to really explore something different... question my beliefs and the beliefs of others, allow us to step back and analyze a situation we took for granted by re-assessing the facts. Why is it that we attack and defend so many cultures and creeds and ignore the most obvious, our own! I went out on a limb and presented on the behalf of the Ku Klux Klan, the Aryan Nations, and the Army of God. These are organizations often thought of as terrorist organizations, but I presented the facts I found about them and encouraged the class to lay aside generalizations and entertain the idea that some members of these groups really aren't so bad. This is not to say that I agree with their ideals, but When Muslims blow up the Twin Towers most of us are intellegent enough to say, "Oh yeah, but that doesn't reflect the majority of Muslims, those people are just crazy!" Why then, can't these same people say, "Those KKK members who terrorize blacks may not represent the majority of KKK members, those are just the crazies! Every group has them!"



For the record, I realize that this isn't coming off as intellegent writing... its just rambling-rushed garbage...



Anyway, my point was lost on my close minded classmates though my teacher pulled me aside after class to tell me that my topic was brave, well approached and cleverly presented... he called me a "true acedemic". One particular student of mixed race and Christian faith was particularly perturbed by my speech. I was nervous today when I caught his eye before class but was quickly reassured when I remembered that I was wearing my Obama '08 button today and that he was an avid fan. This tiny pin was my only hope at winning his affection. Unfortunately, todays presentation was made by a VERY conservative Christian who was bashing an Atheist woman. Allow me to reach my point. The presenter was upset that this woman started a lawsuit over the bible being taught and prayer being mandatory in the public school system. She asked for the opinion of the other students in the class. I raised my hand (knowing full well that all but 2 kids in the class hate my guts now...), " I think prayer should be, and is, allowed in public school systems but should absolutely not be required! Requiring prayer and teaching Bible study is blatently unconstitutional, just read the first amendment!" She retorted that she thought the lady took it too far. I said, "She had every right to defend the beliefs of her son. If he isn't Christian he shouldn't have to pray to a Christian God. Also, If bible study is required then study of ALL religious texts should be required." She, along with many other classmates, argued that if their children had been in that school they would have been infuriated. She can exempt her son, but no reason to ruin it for the rest of them! I gave up. One man asked, "I wonder what this lady had to do with instances such as Columbine?" I gasped, my eyes darted at the teacher and he asked "why?". The man said, "Maybe if prayer had been allowed in school the students would have been nicer and better people." I was aghast. Was he really blaming Columbine on an woman who heroically stood up for what was right against a Christian nation? Granted, the lady went a little nuts... but this was ridiculous! I started to argue my point again but quickly stopped. What is the point?! How can any person read the first amendment and know the vast cultural and religious differences existing in America and still believe that the Bible should be REQUIRED in public schooling?! Am I totally off base here?! Why is it that so many uber-conservative Christians are so insistant that their way is the only way and that their beliefs should just be taken as fact, period. Surely they would raise hell if prayer in school picked back up favoring Allah or Buddha...



I called my mom and cried. How will I ever make a difference in this world when everyone is so intent on refusing new information and when they close off their minds with a lock and key?



This leads me to the second biggie today...

The first monday of every month is Kid's Night over at Fazolis and the mascot Tony Tomato is there along with tons of crafts and face painting! Lindsay offers to play the giant tomato every month. Since he will be there anyway I go to volunteer face painting and playing with the kids. Its basically amazing... Anyway, remember my little saving grace of an Obama pin earlier in the day?... Here it comes to bite me in the ass. Some total redneck comes over to pick up his daughter who is 10 with greasy hair and winnie the pooh clothes that don't fit on. He shows us his big cigarrette hack then looks at me and says, "Who do you think is going to win tomorrow?" DAMN! damndamndamndamn! Sarah was with me (picking my brain for the same paper mentioned above ;) ) and she responded, "Obama obviously!" He said "No! Not who you want, who you think will actually get it." I was representing Fazolis even though I'm not on their payroll so I tried to be respectful, "Honestly, In this case I think they are one in the same." This evolved into him talking politics at me- AT me- for at least a half hour. Anyone in the restaurant could attest that I was very polite until he said he was scared of Obama. A simple "why?" was my return. He said, "because he's a socialist!" His 10 year old asked, "Who is a socialist Daddy?" I snapped, "Noone is! Don't listen to him! Thats not fair. I won't get into it here, but thats unfounded and untrue!" Lindsay, who was back in the kitchen at this point, caught wind of all of this and sent one of his employees to ask for me. I relished in the break then went back to get to cleaning up the station, claiming that the manager asked me to wrap things up. He went on and on about the rich needing to pay even less taxes and about how he is middle of the road and Obama is way too far to the left for him. He told me that his Daddy was a Democrat, and that I should trust his opinion because his father once voted the same way I do now. My response? "I don't vote for my dad and grandparents, I vote for me." He got really heated at one point about the fact that Obama won't show his birth certificate. I asked if he really believed that Obama wasn't American. "His old black granny said she was there the day he was born in Kenya!" I held my breath, counted to 5 and spoke, "His grandmother just passed away so speak respectfully. I'm sure they would have caught it at this point if he wasn't an American." I told people later that it isn't as if the government said "Hey Obama, you're American right?" and he said, "Yeah! I'll even pinky promise!" I'm postive they checked and if he wasn't American the McCain campaign would have used it a little more to their advantage. In the end he was telling Sarah how Joe Biden was the Democratic "fail-safe" if something happened to Obama. This scared the hell out of him. I got in my last comment by saying, "For a guy that is middle of the road like you are you ought to be glad to have Biden as a 'fail-safe' rather than Palin. Biden is as middle of the road as it gets in the democratic party and I'd challenge you to find anyone more one sided than Sarah Palin." He didn't deny it but hinted that he'd rather have a far right republican than a even keeled democrat. Anyway... as he left he got really close, looked me in the eye and said, "Tomorrow if Obama wins, congratulations. If not... tough." I shivered and when his car drove off I lost it.

I realize that I suck with organizing dialogue but that wasn't the point. The point was to get it all out.

I spent my day allowing people to shove their ideas in my face without me being able to defend myself and my ideas in good conscience.

I know this is just a rant. I realize that noone probably cares. Its just my pathetic plea for people to open their minds and never stop searching for facts. Don't believe everything you hear- only trust credible sources. Hell, never trust any source. Don't ever marry any idea- allow yourself to be proved wrong.

In the end I know the truth about the first amendment and about how Atheists deserve to exist peacefully just like the rest of us. I also know that Obama is probably going to win the election tonight. I realize that isn't everyones first choice but I hope that they will be respectful if it happens. I've waited 8 years for something, ANYTHING, to go my way politically. We really need this. Of course this is my opinion but if McCain makes it and does a great job, I'll be happy with that too. I'm not going to pitch a fit. However, for now I'm really desperate to have Barack in office. Time will tell... It is only hours away!

I wish I had time for a proper post...

Unfortunately, I'm off to work a job where I get paid too little, work too hard, and get too few hours...

But on Pretzel Day? Well, I like Pretzel Day... (Name that reference)

I've decided to write my own Christmas letter this year... just like Mofe always does and just like my mom used to do before things got too hard. We aren't like other families... we like to think that a short written card with a family photo isn't going to satisfy the hunger of people we haven't seen in 20 years for details on our fascinating family. I follow in that tradition. They have to earn my Christmas greetings...

Off to Michaels, the arts and crafts utopia... (and hideaway for 60+ aged women who smoke 2 packs a day and have been dumped by their husbands less than 5 years ago with only a "vintage car", a bible, and some dusty silk flowers.)

Its the holiday season!

That picture is what I bought at Michaels yesterday for $86 dollars! 50% off for all associates last week! There are a few christmas presents mixed in there but mostly for Hanne and Emily... so just don't look too close! ;)

Guess what tomorrow is!!!

YES! and i'll be at work but to represent me while all the children walk around will be my pretty little Halloween house... I've been shopping at Michaels a lot lately because the 25% off associate discount kind of rocks! So for 5 bucks the other day I got some last minute goofy and semi-tacky decorations to raise the morale in the little F-2 household we've got going here...

Pretty little windows... these are the mega tacky part... ;)

Here's the door... the little purple garlands are bats and the sign is made of metal and COVERED in black glitter... The extra garland wouldn't tack around the window so i just threw it up there...

VOILA!

So, there is our beautiful halloween house... and our sad dead bush in the front... if I stay here longer i'll invest in some cheap plants to put over there...

One year ago...

Today marks one year from the day that changed my life.



One year ago I had never experienced an extended stay in an "asylum".



One year ago I had never attempted the "S" word.



One year ago I didn't know how much I liked to write.



One year ago today, I never thought I'd be happy again.



One year ago I didn't own any meditation Cd's.



One year ago I didn't take handfuls of meds twice a day.



One year ago I didn't know how to play shuffleboard.



One year ago I was a totally different person.



October 23rd will forever go down in history as the day that I became a Phoenix. I cried so hard that my cell phone shorted out and I drove home unable to focus on the road through the tears welling in my eyes. I thought I would never be whole again... and that everything I thought I had was gone forever.



I was right... theatre, a boyfriend, multiple complexes I didn't even know I had... they are all going away. I've replaced them with a more fulfilling life! I've learned to write and appreciate religion in a cultural and spiritual way... theatre is fun but its no way to make a life for myself... I never would have learned that before. I've mostly solved the destructive complexes I had though OCD (or CDO -in alphabetical order) still runs rampant through my veins. ;)


Last Halloween I was in a hospital playing cards with a bunch of crazy people (my people... we are a league all our own) with eyeliner smeared around my eye so I would look like a black eyed pea with my loony roommate. We were learning to appreciate life again and took the time to put on some fun makeup (even though the nurses had to supervise). Sometimes I find myself missing the hospital. It was safe, I knew my schedule and that I couldn't be hurt while I was there. Only people I wanted to talk to could reach me... It was my cocoon (like my durna at home). I'm breaking out now... I still "cocoon" as my mom calls it... but only when I'm sick or desperately need to... it isn't for hours a day every day of the week anymore... I'm healing.



In a way I want to thank Robert for breaking up with me over the phone on our 2 year anniversary while I was wearing his promise ring. Now I know I can overcome pretty much anything... but I won't need to again... I've found myself... all in one year.

;)

Japan '09!

Ladies and Gentlemen: Your attention please!

I've thought long and hard about how to address this "note" that I am sending into circulation with such high hopes. I've decided that I'm not going to over formalize and I'll just tell you like it is... in somewhat brief terms.

I'm looking for money, or money making ideas that I have the time or recources to actualize. The INCREDIBLY worthy reason is as follows:

I am currently pursuing a General Studies major. In case you are unfamiliar with the major's requirements, I will briefly explain. In addition to some core major requirements, each major is allowed to choose three areas of emphasis. The first requires 18 credit hours of upper level courses, the second requires 15, and the last, 12. I want to have a career that allows me to move between writing freelance fiction and writing from a journalistic standpoint. I want my work to inform people, in a relatable way, about issues that concern me, including diversity in religion and tolerance of culture and race. My primary area of emphasis is Creative Writing and Journalism. This is followed by Religious Studies and Anthropology.

I recently (only yesterday) finished a paper for my GENS 2000 class outlining my I chose these areas of interest. Creative Writing was to be able to captivate an audience in my style and write effectively. The other two were to build the ground work for beginning a life long search of information on both religion and culture. (What a statement! What is culture without the existence of these many religions?... but they are very different it just amazes me how they interweave.) I wrote that I felt the majority of my knowledge in my secondary fields would come from field work and immersing myself in the culture and experiencing it firsthand.

Well, my "Religious Violence and Nonviolence" is going on a trip for 5 weeks in the summer to Japan with the Religous and Philosophical Studies department. There is room for 15 students to go along because the teachers feel that it is imperative that we live in homes with Japanese families rather than in dorms with more of our own, and only 15 families have signed up. Two classes will be offered on the trip Japanese language (1, 2 ,or 3) and Japanese Religous Ideology! Need I say more, no. However, I can't help myself! In this class we would spend the majority (at least 70%) of the time in field study, out of the classroom. Traveling to visit monks and to Hiroshima discussing Violence in religion and terrorism as its lovechild with textual literalism (among other things). We will delve into Shinto, Buddhism, and Taoism as primary religions... how wonderful!

When I told my mom about this she was thrilled! All universities have programs like this but how often are they so perfectly suited to you that it would be a sin not to try going?! She told me that I should raise what money I could and we would have to get a loan for the rest. I am going to post this on my blog as well... I'll offer any service at all that I can... I write, paint, sing, make jewelry... and I can learn to do anything else. You can even pledge to pay me one dime for every mile I walk around campus. I'll buy a pedometer. I'm really looking forward to this trip... PLEASE help me out! I'll blog everyday that I'm there, it WILL NOT fail to be interesting, I can promise that!

I've have had an argument going on in the back of my head while writing about whether or not to inculde the total goal amount and I decided it shouldn't matter. If it does matter to you, email me... I'm happy to share. I will keep you posted on the %age of the goal that I've accumulated!

I love you all!

Mary

maryconklin.blogspot.com
mfosheec@hotmail.com
678-877-5143